There is Beauty in Weakness

They think you're weak and you can't help but feel ashamed. 

Life gets you down every now and then: he must've said you were THE ONE, but in the end, you realized you weren't the only THE ONE; people underestimate your talents, refusing to give credit where credit is due; you pour all efforts in finding success but you end up failing anyway. 

It's like failure is your best friend.

When life gives you too many lemons, it's tempting to throw in the towel and just give up. But you don't want people to see you crying. Nope, never. You put on a brave face and clench your teeth. According to the world, there's no room for weakness. Getting what you want requires being strong AT ALL TIMES.

Everyone thinks being weak is a bad thing; only the strong survive the jungle. How can you rise from the ashes if you just sit there and cry? How can you prove your worth if you're always stumbling? 

Well, that's a bunch of lies because in my opinion, there is beauty in weakness.

Let me explain:

Weakness encourages humility; it shows you can't always be on top of the world. It's the number one tool in bringing you back to the ground. When life shoves you a challenge and you fail, you realize that you're not always the best. As a result, you acknowledge that some people will be better than you, which is a humbling experience. 

Your downs also remind you of everyone else. Even the best of us fall for the "I Can Do This By Myself!" trap. A weak moment every now and then gives you a better appreciation for the people in your life. Their presence is a constant reminder that others can also help you up. 

Being weak also makes you strong. Think about it: after all the crying each time you fall, you end up encouraging yourself to get back up. It fuels your desire to prove them wrong; you're not going to stay in the dumps. You will do better and get better.

In my case, weaknesses show me that I need God. It sounds religious, but that's how I see it. I can't do anything on my own. I need Someone bigger than me to get me through life's shennanigans. In the end, I become better for His glory. 

Don't be ashamed of your downs; wear it proud like a badge of honor. Cry when you have to, admit defeat when necessary. People might mock you for it, but don't pay any attention to them. Your weakness is a crown that says you are human too, but you're doing something about it. 

Remember, it's when you are weak that you become strong--that's what counts.

You Don't Have to Win the Breakup

First of all, let me explain.

If you don't agree, the end must've been pretty bad. You told him "I love you!" and he said the same thing to you and to three others. He must've had a hot temper; whenever he ran out of patience, you became the punching bag.  He might've said he'll try his best to change--to be that guy for you.

He said you'll work it out but you never did and the blame fell on you. 

No one enjoys failed relationships. Apart from the emotional roller coaster ride, there's also the question of who's the winner and who's the loser.

The pain of breaking up is too much already so being the loser is NOT an option. If you can still salvage your pride from the remains of your mad love, you'd do anything. You don't want to leave knowing he has the upper hand, especially if you know you're the victim. Life should vindicate your ordeal by allowing him to lose. 

In your opinion, what he did was unforgivable. He hurt you, made you feel like utter crap. He took you for granted. He lied to your face. He played with your heart, turned you into a fool. Despite the genuine love you gave, he took advantage of you. And now, here you are.

I understand the anger, the want to win. If you're going to be honest, sudden death isn't enough. He deserves a slow and painful torture till the end of his days. Like a criminal, he should pay. And because you've been wronged, you do all it takes to achieve justice.

For hours, you rack your brain for ways to get back at him.You talk behind his back, spread the bad news. You end up stalking on social media, seeing if any girl was too stupid enough to fall for his bait. If you can't have him, no one can. He doesn't deserve that happiness. You end up making eye contact with a guy, envisioning your ex's jealousy when he sees you in the arms of another--of how he wasted a good catch.

Frustration sinks in when things don't go according to plan. He can't win, you can't lose.

Let me stop you right there. Ask yourself: is it really worth it?

Do you gain anything when you spend countless nights scheming? Does it help when you constantly fish for news about him? Will it do you any good if you seek ways to avenge yourself?

All ties were cut the moment you parted ways. Why do you still care about the guy who never cared in the first place?

When you keep seeking payback, you're making it difficult, not for him, but for yourself. You lead your heart towards more pain, inviting higher doses of unnecessary stress. It also drives you crazy, doesn't it? When you learn new things about him, does it help you move on or pull you three steps back?

Don't waste your time on someone who wasted yours. Yes, you want him to suffer but some battles aren't worth fighting anymore. Investing more time on a guy who took you for granted is one of them. People have this tendency to run after the pain; don't be one of them. Run away from ANYTHING that binds you to the memory of him. 

Everyone deserves to win--not the breakup--but at life, especially you. You've been hurt too much; now is the time to patch the broken pieces. You don't need to ruin his life to fix yours. If you do, you'll make things worse. Whatever he does is none of your business anymore. Instead, help yourself and get better.

I'm not saying tolerate what he did. Just trust the process. People will always reap what they sow; he'll get what he deserves but you don't have to deliver it. He'll realize it sooner than later. In the meantime, stop throwing yourself at him and start living towards the future.

In my case, I leave it all up to the Almighty Being upstairs. I know He's got me.

Life's too short to feed on bitterness, hate, or guilt. Don't dwell on these negative aspects. Instead, love yourself by breaking free. As long as you meddle with his life, he'll always keep you captive. You'll miss out on things that matter. Do yourself a favor and just let go.

You don't have to win the breakup; win at life. Don't be vengeful--be joyful. Believe me, you deserve it.

Psalm 51: The Wake Up Call

For the choir director: A psalm of David, regarding the time Nathan the prophet came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.

1 Have mercy on me, O God,
    because of your unfailing love.
Because of your great compassion,
    blot out the stain of my sins.
2 Wash me clean from my guilt.
    Purify me from my sin.
3 For I recognize my rebellion;
    it haunts me day and night.
4 Against you, and you alone, have I sinned;
    I have done what is evil in your sight.
You will be proved right in what you say,
    and your judgment against me is just.[a]
5 For I was born a sinner—
    yes, from the moment my mother conceived me.
6 But you desire honesty from the womb,[b]
    teaching me wisdom even there.

7 Purify me from my sins,[c] and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Oh, give me back my joy again;
    you have broken me—
    now let me rejoice.
9 Don’t keep looking at my sins.
    Remove the stain of my guilt.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God.
    Renew a loyal spirit within me.
11 Do not banish me from your presence,
    and don’t take your Holy Spirit[d] from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
    and make me willing to obey you.
13 Then I will teach your ways to rebels,
    and they will return to you.
14 Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves;
    then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness.
15 Unseal my lips, O Lord,
    that my mouth may praise you.

16 You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one.
    You do not want a burnt offering.
17 The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.
    You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.

Girl, You are Worth the Chase

Dear Little Girl,

Heed this reminder from a little girl just like you.

I once thought love was easy as one-two-three. Popular culture dictates that if you want a man, you gotta plan. Gone are the days when guys would do everything just to prove to you that you are worth the world to them. Today, all it takes is a simple "I luv u ;)" over chat or text for them to get your sweet "Yes!"

Sad to say, some boys today take the worth of girls for granted. They think they can have us easily or they can juggle two or more of us at the same time.

It's partly our fault.

Some girls are contented with allowing boys to go through the easy way. Of course, how can you say no when your crush finally notices you? How can you deny  love's knock on the door, even if he's not just knocking at yours? We allow guys to enter our lives so easily. We think that if we make things hard, the boy we like will go away and see another girl. And we don't want that.

But we should because girl, you are worth it.

As David wrote on Psalm 139, we are fearfully and wonderfully made. The Lord made the intricate parts of our bodies and emotions. It's enough to prove that girl, you are no ordinary piece of work. You are a wonderful masterpiece.

With that in mind, isn't it only right for a guy to pursue you the right way?

Don't be like me. I had to learn the hard way. But despite the pain, I realized that in the realm of love, the right guy shouldn't be a playboy or the first boy who says "I love you!" (Side note: fiction makes playboys look cool. THEY ARE NOT. In fact, they're digusting). The right man isn't one who just stays for the little blunders but doesn't know how to handle storms. He's not one who stays sweet now and later looks for love in others.

No.

The right man is like David-- he is a man after God's own heart. If his perspective is right, expect him to chase after you the way God intended him to.

In my opinion, the right guy won't settle for the easy path. He understands your worth because he understands his place in the hands of the Lord. He will respect you, your body, and your demands. He takes the Scripture seriously so you can be confident that he will take you seriously. The right man will not look at other women for comfort. He will prove to you that you are enough.

Girl, never think that you're not worth the chase. If a man really loves you, he will do what is right. Even if things don't seem to agree his way, he will seek the Lord and he will be ready to face whatever comes his way (e.g. strict parents, strict friends, strict dgroup leader).

Don't be afraid to raise your standards. Never stoop down to their level just to get their attention. If a guy easily gives up, then he is not worth it. But worry not, be confident that the Lord has you. Just be sure to obey His word and the people around you.

When a guy works hard for you, he will definitely value you more. Because he poured all blood, tears, and sweat, it's enough proof that he really wants to win you over.

Little girl, believe me when I say you are worth the chase. Don't be rash. Don't be like me. Wait for the Lord and he will give you a Shepherd David who lead you closer to God and not to him.

You'll see.

Love,

Another Little Girl

My Last Adieu to the Shadows

It's been a while since I expressed my sentiments on an online platform. But I'm confident you will never read this. You've been too complacent anyway, so I know you won't bother perusing through old blogs.

Not anymore.

I've cried too much these past days. They say when love closes its doors, it will feel as if the whole world is about to crash. I can honestly say it does.

How does one get back up from a mountain of lies hidden behind sweet nothings? How do you rise above unmet expectations, false hopes, and basically, just someone claiming you mean the whole world while they saw other planets?

I once fell in love with you, Shadow. The mystery intrigued my innocent heart and looking back, I think you took advantage of it. But I didn't know better and because of you, I turned away from my First Love.

The days we spent were a mix of happiness and doubts. Believe me when I say I enjoyed your presence. It reached a point where not day can go by without a glimpse of you. I just had to see you. I just had to be with you. It just had to be with you. I loved every moment spent with you.

I thought I could change you, Shadow. I thought maybe I could turn you into Light because I saw so much potential. Others said you were a false pretense but I insisted, to the point I turned a deaf ear to those who cared. I believed too much in you. He can change, I said, I know he can. 

But I was wrong and they were right.

I never thought you'd do something like that. For a period of time, I thought you were different. Sure, you were somehow just like the other shadows, but you sort of showed me that you were lighter than the others. I used to think you wouldn't hurt me--but you did. Just like the rest of them.

You broke my heart. And I learned that I cannot trust you with it.

When I evaluate the entire thing, I realize that I loved you more than you did. You can't deny that. You know I did. But you chose to lie, to remain in your old ways. What did I expect, anyway? You were a Shadow. You have no capability of changing, not even for me.

My heart shattered and it's all because of you.

But you know what, Shadow? I learned a lot:

1) I thought I was never worthy of you. But I realize it's the exact opposite: YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF MY HEART. My First Love crafted me from His own hands. I am His masterpiece and you failed to take care of me. I showed you how I could love, you failed to level up. Why was I the only one who fought for you when you should've been fighting for me?

2) You're not as good as you think. You are weak. There, I said it. Because you couldn't face the consequences of your action. You thought things would come by easy. No, they don't Shadow. If you really want something, as you said, you keep fighting for it. Apparently, I was never one of those things.

3) You have a lot of growing up to do. Age and intellect will get you nowhere if your heart is never in the right place. You'll keep on repeating the same mistake and before you know it, you'll face ghastly consequences if you're not careful.

Dear Shadow, forgiveness is divine and it's only by grace that I can forgive. But we can't go back to that mad love. You can try to change but for now, my First Love is my first priority.

This is goodbye.

She's So Tired

Image from Tumblr

She's so tired and she tries her best not to say anything.

Everyday, she gets up and faces another morning. Before, she treated every sunrise like an adventure--one filled with surprises and stories worth sharing. They held countless promises and she looked forward to all of them. The following hours had so much in store for her; it would be a sin to miss even one.

Tomorrow was another day and she couldn't wait for it to come. Once she closed her eyes, she dreamt of what it would bring. What will she write about? Which way will life lead her again? Should she get lost to experience cheap thrills?

She placed her faith in the Morning. Now, she isn't so sure anymore.

As the months progress, she found herself losing the joy she once held. Her pen, the source of her talent and delight, slowly began to fail her. Strings of words came as usual, but they did not deliver the results she hoped. Eventually, she found out that they never did.

Sure, the new months came with surprises. Her honesty would reveal that she has never been happier and sometimes, she wished the sun never set. But if she would re-evaluate, the blunt truth is pretty obvious: she's stuck.

Most days, she wishes that there was more to life than this. The uncertainty of all things scares the daylights out of her: will I forever stay like this? What's next for us? Will it end sooner than I think? Will my words always be supressed by the need to survive? The questions are endless and sometimes, she hopes they stop. But they don't.

He tells her to keep her chin up. You're better than you think, he says, Give it some time. He goes on about why she should stay, how she can stay. Over cups of home delights, he persuades her to think it over, but he knows he'll never win. Because he knew that she knew she was fed up with it.

She considers his words carefully. He wasn't the only one with sound advice--others too. Their tunes varied but she sensed one line: give it some time. 

How long should she wait before she reconnects with her passion? Her pen has been her best friend but the recent circumstances are ruining the beautiful love affair. She feels lost, controlled. She is nothing but a robot--more mechanic, less passion. It's sad because she wasn't like this before.

Now, she is.

A perpetually happy person does not write about depressing sentiments. But here she is, scribbling down her frustrations. The year is coming to an end; she couldn't be happier. It was amazing and she couldn't ask for more but the sad goodbye between her and the passion she held close struck her hard. It bid adieu while she was still in love--now, she finds herself wanting it back.

Unfortunately, searching for it meant leaving. And if she were completely honest, she knows she couldn't. Not today, not tomorrow--not in the soonest, at least.

So, she remains in a struggle or a dirty haze of what-ifs? and just do its'. As she gazes at the flashing lights of the holidays, she can only hope. The Good Lord bestowed upon every human being that simple gift: hope. She clings tightly to it.

She's so tired. Weary and unhappy. But she knows she'll be all right.

We will be.

The 3 Guys You Love But Can Never Have

Dear Ashley,

Can you possibly write about loving or longing for someone (secretly and silently) whom you can never be with?

***

-

Sometimes, you wish everything was simple. Easier, even. Boy meets girl; boy likes girl; girl likes boy back; boy and girl fall in love; and boy and girl live happily ever after. 

Unfortunately, this is real life.

-

The first guy might have been the one you've known since forever. He's nice, friendly, and you love his presence. Being around him is easy as breathing--and that's because you're at ease with him. It's difficult not to smile when he cracks a joke or feel flattered when he pays a compliment. How can you when he makes it so hard?

You + him makes so much sense--if only he saw you more than just a friend.

Knowing how he sees you stings. While you see him in a different light, he looks at you and sees a friend or a sister. It's funny--you like him because he's such a good friend and here he is, liking you as 'just a friend.' 

The realization doesn't hurt as much as you think. Sometimes, you wish you can tell him but then you choose not to. Why ruin a good relationship?  Will it be worth it? So, you brush your feelings aside and enjoy the friendship that you have.

You know you can't have him because he doesn't see you that way, but it's okay. Honestly, it is.

-

You meet the second guy and he fits the one in your dreams. He's unlike any other--charming and mysterious at the same time. The current proximity bring you closer and slowly, you find yourself drawn to him. On some occasions, you think he might be drawn to you, as well.

He's nice guy, you're a nice girl. When he laughs, the rest of the world follows the suit. His smile is enough to brighten up an unfortunate day. Being with him feels just right.

Except, you two are opposing poles--too different from one another. He says yes but you say no; he thinks this, you think otherwise. Everyday, you convince yourself that maybe both of you can work it out. But the future speaks volumes and sometime soon, good things will end. 

You can never have him because you're too different. It is painful but deep inside, you know it's for the best.

-

The third one seems like the perfect fit. Unlike the first two, he holds more promises: he shares the same ideals and you're definitely not 'just a friend.' 

It's hard not to fall for him. He likes you and you like him as well. Apart from the similarities, he makes you smile without trying. In fact, he's the shoulder you'd want to cry on.  A future with him looks promising and you can't wait for it to come.

Except, will it ever come?

With him, you wish you can jump right in immediately. But the timing isn't right. You know that if you go into it now, things are bound to go crazy. He arrived too soon and probably at the wrong place.

Sometimes, you see yourself waiting for him. He might be waiting for you, as well. But there's this nagging feeling that the right time will never come. Because you know it yourself: he's not the one for you.

They say: "Chase your happiness! What have you got to lose?" You are tempted, but happiness is fleeting. If you act upon impulse, you will be delighted but sometime soon, you might regret. Because you didn't wait...you rushed into it.

You can't have him and the pain becomes less than tolerable.

-

Lost loves are unbearable. At times, you regret letting them go. You wish you held on, said something, or at least expressed what you felt. Can you reverse time? 

As you hold your broken heart, thoughts haunt your mind. The idea of finding someone better seems like a joke. You will never see him--that one you want. You'll be alone and you might miss a lot. Hope continues to dwindle as the days go by.

But life is funny and so is God. When you least expect it, he finally arrives.

-

The fourth appears out of nowhere. He might be someone you've known for long or a guy you just met. Initially, the idea of being with him might seem ridiculous or it makes sense, but you don't address it. You were too busy nursing wounds from a broken a heart.

But God prods through His Word and you find yourself face to face with the man made for you. There are uncertainties, yes, but the situation turns out positive for the both of you.

He is not perfect; in fact, he is less than perfect. He makes mistakes and he makes you cry. However, he is the one meant to hold your hand when you feel alone. His arms fit your shoulders perfectly and his eyes see no one else but you. He delights in your love for the One above and he shares your passion in serving Him. He is not after your beauty--he looks at the heart and prioritizes your worth above anything else.

The fourth arrives at the right place at the right time. With him, everything works according to plan. Sure, there are bumps along the way but eventually, you guys end up in each other's arms. It seems crazy but you know he's the one simply because he is. 

-

The first three guys you loved were equally special in their own right. Each had his personal quirk, which is why you held him close to your heart. It's just that none of them were the ONE.

Someday, the fourth one will come. You just have to wait or maybe look around. He'll be there. Just you wait. :)

***image from Tumblr