When You Just Don't Know What to Feel

Sometimes, you just don't know what to feel.

Right now, I'm pretty sure that I'm unsure of what I feel.

Ever felt like you're just floating in some blank space (baby, and I'll write your name?), some unfortunate abyss, somewhere that seems like nowhere that you just don't know where you're going that sometimes you don't make any sense?

Like that paragraph I just wrote?

These recent days, I feel like I'm encased inside a bubble, mindlessly floating and bouncing away. Everyone seems like they've got a sure hold of what's currently happening. Me? I'm just staring into space--waiting for someone to pop that bubble.

God, everything seems so surreal right now. Here I am, this filthy piece of stained cloth and there You are, this perfect Being that I can never please without hurting, double the price. It pains me, realizing how imperfect I am, how I deserve to be thrown into a mixture of problems.

Right now, I wish everything would just stop. Where's a pause button when you need one? Where?

My heart's too tired to think. Yes, a heart thinks but it's easily deceived. I'm this little hobbit trapped in a big Middle Earth, clueless as to where I should step next.

I'm not making sense right now.

Oh God, do not be fed up with my stupidity or inferiority. Sometimes, I wish I could just be but dust and go into Your presence. Though I do not deserve it, I beg You let me in. On bended knees, I beg. I pray. I hope.

I'm lost. Undeserving. Filthy piece of stained cloth.

I am nothing.

In Your presence, I lose hope. I cannot achieve the perfection I wish. You are this Higher Entity and I am this puny ant struggling to reach the top of an anthill. You are this Perfect Enigma and I am but a speck of dirt.

I still don't know what I feel.

When you're unsure of what you feel, a number of emotions whirl endlessly. What do I feel? What am I? Where am I going? What's happening?

I have no right to blurt out. Who am I? Just a speck of dirt.

Oh God. How can this thing that's killing me make me feel so alive?

Oh Sovereign God of a depraved sinner. What can I do? What should I feel? Why am I thrown into this pit of mess?

This is what happens when you don't know what to feel.

You just don't.

But you will someday. It won't be tomorrow or the next day, but rest assured, you will.

I know I will.