An Open Letter to that Little Boy from Bradford: Goodbye, Zayn.

*if you're not a fan of One Direction or Zayn Malik and enjoy judging people for what they like, I suggest you close this page now. Laughing at a fandom's misery won't do you any good. Respect people for what they like. I'm not being shallow, I'm just expressing thoughts. As a writer, I enjoy expressing sentiments in the most dramatic way possible. 


To that Little Boy from Bradford,

I woke up to sad news this morning. You know what it is; everyone in the world knows what it is.

You left the group.

Prior to your announcement, rumors circulated about your decision. The past week was kinda sad already with you ditching the last leg of the Asian tour due to stress. When I read the latest buzz, I was sad, not just for myself or for the fandom, but for you.

I thought: Man, he's having a hard time, huh?

You weren't able to sing for us last Sunday. That was disappointing but I get the reason. Your friends managed to pull it off but somewhere, there was a lack. During the entire time, I just kept thinking: he'll be back. He just needs some time. He'll hit the high notes soon.

Apparently, you wouldn't be hitting the high notes soon. According to the news (and to your band's Facebook page), you've officially signed off the group.

Everyone who loves you and the band was distraught. I opened my Twitter account and the hashtag #AlwaysInOurHeartsZaynMalik was trending worldwide. Many fans were shedding tears, creating memorials and expressing their grief at your departure.

Clueless spectators would think you'd already died, based on what the fans are posting. I thought so myself. While reading their posts, I could help but think: is he dead? He just quit. People need to get themselves together. He's not dead.

When I first heard about it, I didn't know how to feel. Part of me expected it, the other wished it didn't happen too soon. My officemates greeted me with sympathetic hugs and 'Are you okay?'s because they knew I'm a big fan of yours. Even my friends sent messages. You'd think someone I loved just died.

Now that I've got my thoughts settled, I know what to say:

Thank you.

Thank you, Little Boy from Bradford.

Like I said, no one wants you to go. Let's be honest: your high notes define some of your songs. Your voice plays a vital role in the band's success. Your mysterious and supposedly innocent charm captured millions. Your evolving hairdo and stunning eyes made us fall in love with you.

Thank you, Zayn.

We're very saddened to see you go. Your bandmates refuse to call themselves One Direction during your absence, preferring to introduce themselves as Harry, Liam, Louis and Niall. Now I wonder how they're going to introduce themselves as One Direction without you.

No doubt they will manage. It will take time but Harry, Liam, Louis and Niall will eventually move on. They will carry on and we will still be there for them.

And we will still be there for you.

It's been 3 years since I first enjoyed your powerful voice. I never considered myself a super fan of One Direction. In fact, the first time I saw you in One Thing, I thought: Wow, he looks so gay. Did they place an Indian in the music video to encourage diversity?

Eventually, I found myself regretting my words when I watched What Makes You Beautiful. You were so...ugh. I can't even explain. Seeing you and the other lads did it for me. I found myself becoming an official Directioner before my 18th birthday.

Admittedly, I play favorites. I became a fan of the band because of you and Harry, but mostly because of you. You were such a good singer I found myself listening to your high notes a lot. Even if you added a stripe of gold to your already perfect hair, I didn't mind.

Zayn Malik is the bomb. And you always will be.

Being a star is tough. You don't get too much privacy, people always hound you with every scandal and basically, you just don't get to live your life normally. That scandal in Thailand must've pushed you to the edge, huh? And now I hear you scrambled back to England to see your girl Perrie.

I have some reservations on what happened but I'm not here to diss you on your decisions. Like I said, I'm here to say thank you. Some people think it's shallow but it's not for me. I really admired your talent and will always do.

Everyone's a wreck now--everyone in the fandom, that is. Even Harry couldn't contain himself. Poor kid, crying on stage in Jakarta (apparently, he wasn't crying. But you know, he tried to make you stay). I feel sorry for your friends. They must be devastated with your departure. I think this image sums it up:

There's still so much I want to say. I know it's weird that I'm writing to you as if I know you. But I do know you, as an avid fan and lover of your talent.

You'll be okay, Zayn. You just need time. It hurts a number but you need the space. You deserve it. I hope you find the peace you've been wanting.

Your song Where Do Broken Hearts Go rings true right now.

Now I'm searching every lonely place

Every corner calling out your name

Trying to find you but I  just don't know

Where do broken hearts go?

Indeed, Little Boy, where do broken hearts go?

Thank you for everything. You've done so much in the last 5 years. I just wish I got to hear you sing. But apparently, I missed the chance. Someday, you'll be back on your feet. You'll be okay, Little Boy. 

We'll all be okay. :)

We'll always be waiting for you--the Little Boy from Bradford who stood at MSG. That Little Boy from Bradford who smashed it.

Love,

The Little Girl From Afar 

Midnight Memories: On the Road Again Tour 2015

Midnight Memories

My On the Road Again Tour Experience

#NOCHILLPHILIPPINES

That hashtag perfectly describes the crazy goings during Day 2 of the On The Road Again Tour 2015, which I was blessed to be a part of. 

As a fan of One Direction, I've waited long for this day. Despite my ticket stationed quite far, I was looking forward to finally hearing them LIVE. Not just in my speakers, on my laptop or on TV--freaking LIVE. And we'd get to see them up close, even it's only on the LED screens.

2 days earlier I was mourning over the fact that my Zayn Malik was going to be a no-show on the concert. I'm a big Zayn fan. In fact, I became a fan because of him. You can imagine my sadness when my office mates blurted the bad news that morning. 1D with no Zayn? Me not seeing my bebe boy?

*insert hypothetical tears*

My excitement for the show wavered for a bit. But eventually, I couldn't help but still look forward to it. After all, Harry, Liam, Niall & Louis were coming to town. 

So. Concert day - MARCH 22, 2015

My concert buddy and I arrived early but the line was like -- WHOAAAA.

THAT LINE THO. THAT LINE.

Fans were scattered everywhere. They all had their gimmicks. I met a set of interesting girls, each with a favorite Directioner in mind. There were foreigners bearing a cardboard head of Harry's best friend (how'd they even know that was Harry's best friend?!), girls giggling all of a sudden, parents chaperoning their kids (though most of them were fans themselves!) and various happy scenarios.

There was this little scene where girls went cray cray over this Zayn Malik lookalike. They really chased him...REALLY CHASED HIM. And took pictures.

Yes, they did.

Zayn, look at what you've done to the people. 

11 hours. That's how long Ana and I waited for the boys. We endured unbelievable heat in the morning. The sun was ferociously staring down at us while we begged for some wind. I thank God for giving us the endurance to stay strong despite the heat.

#OUTSTANDINGSTUDENT!

Me and mah concert buddeh #zayn #harry

While waiting, I finally felt what it was like to be with people who understood your love for 1D. Pre-concert, I shared my 1D side with a friend or two who knew what I was talking about. But they were so rare! I sometimes discussed my fangirling with friends who endured for my sake.

But there I was, surrounded with not one but MILLIONS of people who got my feels! :D Haha! It was amazing. No one smirked at me when I poured all my sad feels over Zayn's sudden departure. Nobody raised their eyebrows when I giggled while listening to Zayn hit them high notes.

They understood. I was home. AHHHHHHH :d

Fellow Fan Girls <3 #harthart

11 hours! Man, what an experience. By the time 5 PM rolled in, we were allowed to go inside the grounds. Everyone was psyched, and who could blame them? We've waited so long for the lads! :D We were finally going to see them. Even if we had to wait 3 more hours, it was okay!

And we were in!

That X. Stahp reminding me of Ed Sheeran :(

Of course, the show wasn't due for 3 more hours. We met more fans and I was surprised with the generous amount of straight male fans there. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging or anything. It's just that I've always thought guys are instantly repelled with One Direction. Apparently, I was wrong. I'd find out later how dead wrong I was.

Did I mention that it also rained? Yep, the rain poured hard. Umbrellas weren't allowed inside so we were soaked. Despite the moody weather, we still persevered! The girls around me were like: Rain or shine, it's okay! PARA SA KANILA TO! TIISIN ANG LAHAT PARA SA 1D!

Rain or shine indeed.

By 7 PM, almost everyone was getting antsy. The teenage fans were begging the guards to move the barricade forward to get a better view of the lads. I was okay with where I was. After all, there was a big LED screen nearby.

The concert's opening act was DJ KC. Let me just say: RAIN + HARDCORE DJ BEATS = WOAH. He was pretty good with hyping up the crowd. But of course, everyone anticipated the lads.

Finally, after much waiting, after too many commercials, after so much crying around, after too many 5SOS and Little Mix music videos- it was time.

THEY WERE HERE. THEY WERE REALLY HERE.

Even though they were far, the live singing got to me. THEY SOUNDED SO GOOD LIVE. What you hear on the radio is exactly what you hear live. Though Zayn was absent, they managed to put on a good show.

I'm not a big fan of the song Clouds but when the performed it first, I had a change of heart.

FANTASTIC FOUR

As I mentioned, I'm a big Zayn fan. So I couldn't help but feel a bit sad, wanting to hear his voice in their songs. But in all fairness, they managed to pull everything off. In fact, Zayn's absence made me appreciate the other boys.

As expected, Harry and Niall were the stars of the night. Whenever the camera panned at them or when they belched out solos, ovaries exploded. Heck, even straight male fans were pointing and singing along to them.

I was also super impressed by these two, especially when Niall did a birit part. Yeah, he did a Zayn part. I just can't remember which song. The Irish Princess was so cool and awesome that I finally understood why they went gaga over him. That angelic blonde look and perkiness was definitely worth the swoon.

And of course, Harry was the typical pop star. I got to hand it to him, he's a good performer. He knows what works up the audience and he's definitely fun to watch. Especially when he had his man bun. He'll always be my best second favorite of all time.

#ManBun

Apart from the songs, I had tons of favorite moments from the show:

1) Liam reading out fan signs. Too funny. There was one fan who asked him to say NAKAKAPAGPABAGABAG (a difficult Filipino word) and the results were so funny. There were long-lost daughter claims, bolera moments and adoption claims as well.

There was also a selfie request. Here's what Liam and Niall did:

SO CUTE. I CAN'T EVEN.

2) Liam, Niall, Louis and the rest of McDonald's lovers VS. Harry.

Poor Harry. I don't remember how the argument exactly started. Apparently, someone wanted to toss a burger on stage and Liam began discussing how McDonald's was one of the best foods in the world. He went on to elaborate the importance of fast foods.

Harry, on the other hand, began to object and said, "We should all eat our vegetables!" Unfortunately, he realized too late he was battling a losing fight. I mean, come on, vegetables against chicken nuggets?

Liam got the crowd chanting "CHICKEN NUGGETS!" Poor Harry attempted to raise a pitiful chant of "HEALTHY EATING!" Lucky for him, we love him. Despite our agreement with Liam,we sided with him for the sake of siding with him.

Eventually, someone did toss Louis a burger.With his recent breakup with Eleanor, he deserves it.

3) THE BIRTHDAY CHAIR. I find it sweet that the boys appreciate their staff and crew. For Day 2, they sang for this man named Toby who sat on Harry (a.k.a the birthday chair). It was too sweet, I tell ya.

4) Liam sang I Will Survive. He was introducing the band, which eventually lead to him singing I Will Survive. The man's got vocal skills.

5) Basically every time they teased us by calling out (in a flirty voice): MANILAAAAA. I bet every girl wanted to be named Manila that night.

Hello Harry. I think I love you better now.

The songs were mostly from Four and Midnight Memories. But of course, the boys sang their eternal hits: One Thing, What Makes You Beautiful, Kiss You and Best Song Ever. Like I said, they sounded so good LIVE. Goes to show that they really gots them talents.

They ended with Best Song Ever and indeed, it was the best song ever. Add fireworks and spectacular goodbyes, you get yourself tons of screaming fans. Total pandemonium. While they were saying their goodbyes, it occurred to me that I was part of an unbelievable experience. Far as they were, I shared the same area with them.

People will disagree when I say they're one of the best bands in the world. They are. I'm not just saying this cause I love Zayn's voice--if you gave their album a chance, you'd see how much they've leveled up from teeny bopper hits to serious ballads.

Well Hello, Nialler.

The concert confirmed to me that I wasn't a fan just because of Zayn. They sounded so good, I wished they wouldn't stop singing. It's amazing to see how much they've changed--their musical acts, I mean. Sometimes, I wish they were still the same lads from Kiss You.

But people change. Plus Four's an amazing album.

Greyscale lads

The concert was worth the wait. Though it was obvious something was missing (ugh Zayn, Y U DO DIS TO MEH), they pulled it off and it was an amazing experience. So amazing that I'm so determined to get decent seats next time.

I still thank God for the opportunity. Not everyone got to hear them live--I did. It was cool. The heat, rain, and back pains were worth it. I noticed some patterns and technical stuff with the concert, but I'll discuss it some other time.

I'm hoping for concert part 2! They promised they'd come back soon. Hopefully, they would and when they do, baby boy Zayn is already okay and ready to hit them high notes :) Rumors of break up are circulating, but I believe they'll get their act together soon.

For now, I'm left with 1D Hangover. I'm so happy and very blessed to have experienced the BEST NIGHT EVER.

When You Just Don't Know What to Feel

Sometimes, you just don't know what to feel.

Right now, I'm pretty sure that I'm unsure of what I feel.

Ever felt like you're just floating in some blank space (baby, and I'll write your name?), some unfortunate abyss, somewhere that seems like nowhere that you just don't know where you're going that sometimes you don't make any sense?

Like that paragraph I just wrote?

These recent days, I feel like I'm encased inside a bubble, mindlessly floating and bouncing away. Everyone seems like they've got a sure hold of what's currently happening. Me? I'm just staring into space--waiting for someone to pop that bubble.

God, everything seems so surreal right now. Here I am, this filthy piece of stained cloth and there You are, this perfect Being that I can never please without hurting, double the price. It pains me, realizing how imperfect I am, how I deserve to be thrown into a mixture of problems.

Right now, I wish everything would just stop. Where's a pause button when you need one? Where?

My heart's too tired to think. Yes, a heart thinks but it's easily deceived. I'm this little hobbit trapped in a big Middle Earth, clueless as to where I should step next.

I'm not making sense right now.

Oh God, do not be fed up with my stupidity or inferiority. Sometimes, I wish I could just be but dust and go into Your presence. Though I do not deserve it, I beg You let me in. On bended knees, I beg. I pray. I hope.

I'm lost. Undeserving. Filthy piece of stained cloth.

I am nothing.

In Your presence, I lose hope. I cannot achieve the perfection I wish. You are this Higher Entity and I am this puny ant struggling to reach the top of an anthill. You are this Perfect Enigma and I am but a speck of dirt.

I still don't know what I feel.

When you're unsure of what you feel, a number of emotions whirl endlessly. What do I feel? What am I? Where am I going? What's happening?

I have no right to blurt out. Who am I? Just a speck of dirt.

Oh God. How can this thing that's killing me make me feel so alive?

Oh Sovereign God of a depraved sinner. What can I do? What should I feel? Why am I thrown into this pit of mess?

This is what happens when you don't know what to feel.

You just don't.

But you will someday. It won't be tomorrow or the next day, but rest assured, you will.

I know I will.