Ang Statistical Probability na Paasa Siya (at Umaasa Ka Naman)

Realtalk 1
*Usapang masinsinan tungkol sa iba't-ibang isyu sa buhay, pag-ibig at iba pa.
*Kung estudyante ka, okey lang basahin. Pero utang na loob, mag-aral ka muna. Unahin ang edukasyon. Gusto ni Lord na mag-aral ka muna at pasayahin ang mga magulang bago ka mag-love life. Tandaan, hintayin ang TAMANG PANAHON.
*Puro opinyon ko lang ito, so wag ka mapikon. Chill ka lang, bruh.
*walang statistics na nakasaad dito. Ginamit ko lang ang salita kasi masarap pakinggan.
*Enjoy!

Aminin mo na: masakit ang umasa sa wala.

Yung tipong nagplano kayo ng hiking ng mga ka-tropa mo, isang buwan bago yung mismong araw. Naghanda ka na at lahat, nag-gym ka para handa ang katawan mo sa pag-akyat ng bundok. Praktisado mo na rin ang kebs na shrug mo pag sinabihan ka nila ng: "Wow! Galing mo naman mag hike. Expert!"

Pero pagdating ng araw na yon, malalaman mo na hindi tuloy ang lakad. Walang hiking. Walang barkada trip. Walang kebs na shrug. 

Wala.

Pagdating sa usapang pag-ibig, pag nauwi sa wala ang lahat...minsan, hindi mo na alam kung saan pupulutin ang natapakan mong emosyon.

Kasi pinaasa ka lang sa wala.

Ang Usapang #Hugot at #Paasa

Sa Pilipinas, uso ngayon ang #hugot o mga sentimyento na kadalasan ay naiuugnay sa kasawian sa pag-ibig. Halos lahat may hugot na, lalo na pag naulan. Isang halimbawa ay:

"Sa panahon ngayon, tanghali na lang ang tapat."

Di naman natin masisisi ang mga taong mahilig humugot. Masarap umibig at masarap rin isipin na yung taong gusto mo ay baka may gusto rin sayo. Hindi mo mapigilan ang sarili mo na mangarap na makasama si Bebe Girl o Bebe Boy hanggang sa dulo ng walang hanggang. Lalo na kung may pagpaparamdam na nagaganap.

Anong klaseng pagpaparamdam?

Yung tipong kung magsalita siya, parang double meaning. Ano kaya ibig niyang sabihin nung sinabi niya na: "You're special to me"? Wala ka namang ADHD, so malamang hindi yon ang ibig sabihin. Paano naman pag hilig ka niyang lambingin? Yung tipong lagi kang kinikindatan o kaya lagi kang tinetext ng: "Kumain ka na ba?" o "Matulog ka na ah. Wag ka magpapagod." 

Paano kung lagi ka niyang hinahatid sa bahay o kaya binabaunan ng pagkain? Lagi kang kausap sa Facebook, Twitter o ni-lalike ang mga post mo sa Instagram. Pag-ibig na nga ba? Kayo na ba ang susunod na #KimErald o #AlDub?

Pero paano kung yung pagpaparamdam na yon ay wala lang pala para sa kanya?

Boom. Napaasa ka.

Bakit Ba Maraming Na-Hohopia (a.k.a False Hope)

Bakit nga ba maraming puso ang naloloko ng pag-asa? Bakit ba marami ang napapaiyak dahil na-hopia sila ng taong minamahal nila?

Minsan, nalilinlang na tayo ng puso natin at di pa natin alam.

Kapag ang taong gusto natin ay may ginawang kakaiba, hilig nating isipan ng meaning yung nangyari. Madalas, nagsisimula lang yan sa isang text o kaya private message sa Facebook. Simpleng 'Hi! Musta ka?' ang nagdudulot ng maraming kasawian sa mundo.

Sa nakikita ko,  isa lang ang dahilan kung bakit may nahohopia: maling akala (a.k.a assume-assume)

Marami sa atin akala mo nag-aral sa Assumption dahil sa sobrang daming pag-aassume na nagaganap. Nabigyan lang ng tatlong piraso ng Mentos, akala mo nag-I Love You na yung crush mo sa'yo. O kaya naman nakatext mo siya ng dose oras at puro knock-knock jokes lang naman yung exchanges niyo, pero feeling mo iba na talaga kayong dalawa.

Hayskul palang ako nang nauso yang assumera/assumero trend na yan. Pano ba naman, isa din ako sa mga ganyan. Maliit na bagay lang, binibigyan ko ng mas malalim na kahulugan. Naka-chat ko lang ng araw-araw, akala ko may forever na.

Yun pala wala.

Pero naiintindihan ko rin kung bakit marami sa atin ang mabigat ang pag-aassume. Minsan nga naman kasi, hindi na normal yung ginagawa nung crush/iniibig/apple of the eye natin. Mas malala lalo na kung tipong first time mo at wala kang kamalay-malay.

Yung pag-aassume sa wala, may kaakibat na mga mabibigat na kapalit yan...kadalasan, masakit ang magiging katapusan. Masakit kasi nag-invest ka ng emosyon sa isang tao na akala mo may pagtingin sa'yo, pero wala pala. Nagbuhos ka ng oras, pera at sarili mo para sa kanya, pero sa huli, hindi rin pala masusuklian ang investments mo.

Aray ko 'beh.

Paalala Para sa Mga Sawi at Maari Pang Masawi (at Pati na Rin sa Dahilan ng Pagkasawi)

Paano nga ba makakaiwas sa mga paasa/umaasa segement ng buhay?

Ganito lang yan mga kababayan: hangga't walang sinasabing direchong "GUSTO KITA" o kaya "I LIKE YOU," iwasang mag-overdrive ang utak. In other words, iwasan maging assumera o assumero. Kahit ba sabihin mo may feels o paramdam na nagaganap, wag mong punuin ang utak mo tungkol sa forever kung di pa naman sigurado.

Baka sabihin mo: "Eh hina-hug hug niya ako! Sinusunod at hinahatid pauwi! Nililibre ng isaw tuwing hapon! How can this not be love?!"

Oo, alam ko. Mahirap hindi isipin na wala siyang feelings kung puro ganyan ginagawa niya. Pero isipin mo, may posibilidad na para sa kanya, baka wala lang yon. Kung meron man, siguro as friends. Maniwala ka pag sinabi kong may ganon talaga. Kung para sayo meron, para sa kanya eh nagiging mabait lang naman siya o sadyang malambing lang talaga siya.

Subukan mong wag i-over read lahat ng nangyayari sa inyo. Hangga't di mo marinig na umamin siya sa'yo o kaya siya na mismo magpatunay na meron, wag kang aasa.

Mahirap na umasa sa wala.

Ngayon, gusto ko naman kausapin yung mga paasa (intentional o unintentional ka man).

Lahat ng paasa/umaasa na sitwasyon ay nagaganap dahil sa hindi pag-iingat sa mga sinasabi o nagagawa. Sabihin na natin malambing ka talaga o mahilig ka lang talaga mag hatid kahit bumabaha, minsan kailangan mo isipin na dapat malinaw ang intensyon mo--lalo na yung mga lalaki.

Mga tol at mga pare, ingat-ingat din naman kasi. Di ko naman kayo sinisisi ng buo, pero alalahanin niyo na kaming mga babae, madaling madevelop lalo na pag natarget ang emosyon. Oo, masyado kaming emosyonal. Kahit ba sa tingin niyo di namin kayo trip o mukha kayong chonggo, kapag napakilig niyo kami, nag-iibang anyo kayo. Nagiging Prince Charming kayo sa mga mata namin.

Kung pwede lang, linawin niyo naman kung ano ba talaga kami para sa inyo. Kung friends lang talaga, aba, tratuhin niyo naman kami as friends. Sa tingin ko, hindi lang friends ang tawag kapag lagi kang nagsasabi ng "I love you" o laging siya lang yung binibigyan mo ng Hany Chocolate o kaya trip mo lang siyang binubuhat out of nowhere.

Kung trip mo talaga si ate, wag ka na magpaliguy-ligoy pa. Pag-pray mo (seryoso ako) tapos mag-akyat ka na ng ligaw. Sabihin mo ang nararamdaman mo. Hindi yung pahuhulaan mo o paramdam-ramdam lang gagawin mo dun sa babae. Hindi kami manghuhula, huy.

Para naman sa mga ateng nagpaasa, wala rin kayong takas. Minsan kasi, tayo din hindi natin nababantayan yung mga pinag-gagagawa natin. Akala mo yung payakap-yakap sa lalaking kaibigan mo ay wala lang--pero sa kanya, iba na pala yon. Lalo na kung lagi mo pang ginagawa at mas malala pa kung gusto ka niya.

Aminin na natin, nakakakilig rin naman pag nalaman natin na may gusto sa atin ang isa sa mga kakilala o kaibigan natin (kahit di natin sila type). Nakakatuksong lalong hayaan sila na kiligin at maramdaman iyon, kahit na alam mo na wala siyang pag-asa. Pero, maawa ka naman sa kanya. Pinaglalaruan mo ang emosyon niya at hindi nakabubuti yon.

Maging maingat sa mga sasabihin at kilos mo, nang mabawasan na ang mga nahohopiang lalaki sa mundo.

Makakabuti sa mundo at sa maraming puso kung mababawasan na ang mga napapaasa. Ako mismo ay napaasa at nahirapan akong makabangon mula sa sakit na naramdaman. Ayoko na maulit yon, at ayoko rin na may ibang masaktan. :)

Kaya mag-ingat tayong lahat sa paasa/umaasa segments. Gustuhin mo man madaliin ang forever, minsan ay dapat kumalma tayong lahat. Masarap ang pag-ibig at masarap ang inspirasyon. Pero tulad nga ng sabi ni Lola Nidora, dapat lahat ay nangyayari sa tamang panahon.

Kaya chill ka lang. Darating din yan. :)

#tiwalakayLord #tamangpanahon #SayNoToHopia2k15

Mga Piling Kwento ng Isang Pasahero ng UV Express

UV Express - ang numero unong transportasyon ng mga manggagawang Pilipino tanggap na magbayad ng halos P60.00 na pamasahe; malamang patungo sila ng Ayala, Pasig, SM Megamall o kaya ng Quiapo; depende kung saan sila araw-araw nagpapakahirap.

Nang nagsimula ako magtrabaho sa Makati, ang UV Express na ang naging school bus ko sa pang araw-araw. Hindi na bago sakin yung eksena ng pila papunta at pag-uwi; sa totoo lang, yun nga yung senyas na magsisimula o matatapos na ang araw ko. 

Para sa ibang tao, wala namang nangyayaring espesyal sa loob ng UV. Magbabayad lang sila kay Manong Konduktor, papasok tapos sabay tulog. Kung di man sila matutulog, malamang magrorosaryo, makikinig sa kanta o kaya tutulala na lang sa may bintana. 

Para sakin, ang pagsakay sa UV ay isang mini-adventure. Mababaw, pero sa totoo lang, marami talaga ang nangyayari sa loob. Yun nga lang sa pagpili mo sang upuan ka sasakay, may kwento na yun (mas trip ko sa tabi ng driver o kaya sa kung saan mang di tatamaan ng araw). O kaya yung simpleng pag-lingon sa katabi mo, malamang may makukuha kang naratibo.

Ako kasi meron. Medyo marami sila, pero heto ang mga tumatak sa kukote ng utak ko.

May Kulo si Misis, Mukhang Manyak si Mister

Sa may pila ng UV sa Dela Rosa, may mag-asawang nagtatalo sa harapan ko. Di na naman bago sakin pag may mag-asawa o mag-jowang di nagkakasundo sa pila--pakiramdam ko nga mas trip nilang magtalo dun kasi maraming tao;di pwede gumawa ng malalang eksena ang isa sa kanila.

Nang nakapila ako, patuloy sa pagtatalo itong mag-asawa. Pabulong na sumisigaw si Misis (posible pala iyon) habang tahimik na umaangal si Mister.

Misis: #$%^&! Lagi ka na lang nawawala pag gabi! Wala na ngang gatas si Junior, lakwatsa ka pa ng lakwatsa!

Mister: (bulong, bulong. Malamang depensa sa sarili)

Misis:  Eh %^&* ka pala eh! Lakas ng loob mong mawala pag gabi tapos kung maka-angal ka parang api!

Mister: (bulong, bulong) ...di naman masyadong nainom...(bulong, bulong)

Habang na sa pila, abot langit ang panalangin ko na di ko makasabay ang mag-asawang to. Pero ang tadhana nga naman, mapait. Naging magkatapat kami sa loob ng UV. Nang makapasok at nakaupo na ang lahat, biglang nanahimik ang babae. Siguro, naisip niya kasi na di siya pwede tumalak ng tumalak sa UV kasi maririnig ang mga angal niya. Tinalikuran niya ang kanyang asawa--deadma.

Malas na lang niya kasi napansin din to ng mister niya.

Syempre, ikaw ba naman, inaway-away ka sa pila, di ka ba matutuksong gantihan ang misis mong talakera? Yun nga ang ginawa ni Mister. Nakangisi pa siya habang tinatanong ang asawa niya;

"O ano, ba't bigla kang tumahimik? Ano? Wala ka ng masabi?"

Ang nakakatakot sa eksena na ito ay yung mukha nung Mister habang inaasar ang kanyang may bahay. Mukha siyang manyak, yung tipong kontrabidang may balak na masama sa lahat. Ramdam ko yung pagtitig ng katabi ko sa kanila; malamang napansin niya din.

Akala ko talaga may mangyayaring sabunutan o saksakan sa loob ng UV. Buti na lang, bumaba sila ng maaga. Hay salamat Panginoon sa grasya at kaligtasan nga naman.

Si Tita, ang Kanyang Rosaryo at ang Scripted na Panalangin

Di na bago sa akin ang makatabi sa isang taong nagrorosaryo habang bumabiyahe patungong Ayala. Madalas, ang mga ganitong nakakatabi ko ay mga Tita-type, kung tawagin ng nakararami. Halos pareho ang kanilang mga eksena: uupo sa tabi, dudukutin ang lalagyan ng rosaryo (madalas may palamuti at mukhang mamahalin), kukunin ang rosaryo at magsisimulang manalangin.

May nakatabi akong isang Tita na naiiba sa mga Titang nagrorosaryong nakasabay ko.

Hindi ako ganon kaalam sa pagrorosaryo, bilang hindi ako isang Katoliko. Pero base sa mga madalas kong nakikita, wala namang hawak na bond paper ang karamihan sa kanila. Itong partikular na Titang ito, meron. At tatlong pahina pa.

Habang nagrorosaryo siya, binabasa niya ng malakas ang nakasulat sa papel. Hindi ko to marinig kasi may suot akong earphones, pero nahuhuli ko ang pakonti-konting mga salita. Base sa mga mukha ng aking mga katabi, hindi normal ang ginagawa ni Tita. 

Nakaka-aliw siyang panoorin. Hindi rin kasi siya sigurado kung tama ba yung binabasa niya. Patitigil-tigil siya sa pananalangin at madalas nagkakamot ng ulo. Makikita mo sa kunot ng noo niya na kahit siya mismo, hindi siya sigurado sa pinagdadasal niya.

"...Holy Mary, give us this day...ay?"

"To God our father, and the saint...of ano daw?'

Ayan. Ganyan ang narinig ko kay Tita. Nang bumaba siya sa may Greenbelt, di ko na lang napigilang ngumiti. 

Kaya niyo yan, Tita. Tiwala lang po.

The Breakup Diaries: UV Express Edition

Pati ba naman sa loob ng UV, may mga nasasawi.

Mag-aalasnwebe na noon. Halos mapa-head bang na ako sa sobrang pagod; gusto ko lang makapiling na yung kama ko sa bahay. Kahit gustuhin ko mang maidlip sa loob ng sasakyan, hindi ko magawa. Kasi naman yung katabi ko, nakikipag-away sa jowa niya na nasa kabilang linya.

Naalala ko sa babae yung Misis sa unang kwento, pero mas kalmado at medyo bitchesa ang dating niya. Sa tono ng boses niya, bitchesa nga ang tamang salitang maglalarawan sa kanya (paumanhin sa nasabing salita).

Habang inaaway ang kanyang boyfriend, pataas-taas ang kilay niya. Siguro, kung ano man ang pagpapaliwanag na ginagawa ng jowa niya, di niya pinapaniwalaan.

Medyo bangag na ako nung pinakikinggan ko siya (paano ko ba naman di maririnig, eh dikit na dikit kami sa isa't-isa), pero eto ang naalala ko sa kanilang pag-uusap (para sa dayalogong ito, tawagin natin ang babae bilang si Ateng B at ang jowa niya ay si Kuyang X):

Ateng B: ang tagal tagal kitang hinintay, pero di ka naman sumipot. Ganyan ka naman lagi eh, nang-iiwan. 
Kuyang X: (bulong, bulong, bulong, bulong pa more)
Ateng B: sawang-sawa na ako sa mga kalokohan mo. Tingin mo magpapaloko pa ako sayo? Sabi ni Baby wala ka daw sa bahay. Kala mo di ko alam kung sino talaga kasama mo. Wag mo nga akong pagmukhaing tanga. Utang na loob hindi ako tanga. 
Kuyang X: (bulong, bulong, malamang nagmamakaawa)
Ateng B: ayoko na, di ko na kaya to. Tagal tagal na akong nagtitiis sa'yo! Di ko na kelangan mag-explain. Ayoko na. Tapos na tayo. (sabay patay ng cellphone)

Di ko na nalaman kung ano ang sumunod na kabanata. Nakasabay ko ulit si Ateng B sa UV, pero di ko alam kung sila pa ba ni Kuyang X o tuluyan na niyang iniwan to. Nagtanong kaya si Kuyang X kung ano ang paliwanag ni Ateng B?

Aray ko 'beh

Ang Pagsusuka at ang Bayanihan of the People

Hindi naman lahat ng nasakay ng UV sanay sa pagewang-gewang na galaw ng sasakyan. Pasalamat na lang ako na nasanay na yung katawan ko sa mga biyahe buhat nang nagsimula ako sa Unibersidad. Pero tulad ng nasabi ko, hindi lahat ay sanay at ang iba sa kanila ay lasing pa.

Papunta akong Alabang nang naganap ang kwentong ito. Ang nasakyan kong UV ay yung tipong magkakaharap kayong lahat ng kapwa pasahero mo. Lahat kami halos pagod na; yung iba gusto kong isara ang bibig sa laki ng pagkanga-nga. Baka kasi pasukan ng bangaw.

Habang nilalakbay ng UV Express ang Skyway, di ko pinapansin ang mga kasama ko. Masyado kasi akong nagsesentimyento nung gabing yon sabay may My Chemical Romance pang playlist. Malamang sa malamang, hindi ako ganon ka-aware sa mga nagaganap. Nang papalapit na ang UV sa toll gate, may naamoy akong kakaiba sa loob.

Pero di ko parin pinansin.

Napansin ko na lang nang may naganap na komosyon. Napatingin ako sa may upuan malapit sa pintuan, kung saan may isang babaeng nagsusuka. Madilim pa noon sa loob ng sasakyan at nahihirapan ang babae at ang mga katabi niya sa pagtulong.

Syempre, di naman pwede na hayaan naming lahat na ganon mangyari kay Ate. Sinabihan namin yung driver na buksan yung ilaw habang nagpapasa-pasahan kami ng tissue. Yung katabi ni Ate sa kaliwa, hinahagod yung likod niya habang yung nasa kanan pinatungang ng sandamakmak na wet wipes yung pinagsukahan ni Ate.

Binuksan namin ang mga bintana para makahinga siya ng maayos. Nang mahimasmasan, paulit-ulit na humingi ng pasensya si Ate habang nililinis ang sarili niyang suka. Di naman kami nagalit sa kanya; mahirap nga naman bumiyahe ng di sanay at medyo lasing pa. Tinanong ni Ate kung pwede ba siya ibaba sa isang lugar na hindi kadalasan ruta ng UV Express.

Pumayag naman si Manong Driver. Kaya ayun, naibaba naman si Ate. Nang pababa na siya, di siya tumigil sa pagpapasalamat sa amin. Sabi nga nung Manang na katapat niya; "Aba'y magpahinga ka pagdating sa bahay ha, ineng?"

At salamat na lang ang nasabi ni Ate. Pati ako nagpasalamat kasi hindi pa talaga namamatay ang bayanihan ng mga Pilipino. #maypagasapa

Salamat, salamat sa pag-asa.

Lampungan at Sari-Saring PDA

Kung may nasasawi sa UV Express, mayroon rin namang nagsasaya sa pag-ibig. Minsan nga lang, sumosobra na sila.

Wala naman akong sama ng loob sa mga magkasintahan. Masaya ako para sa kaligayahin ninyo, pramis. Masaya ako na masaya kayo sa piling ng isa't-isa, na gusto niyong lagi kayong magkasama at magkahawak-kamay lagi. Pero utang na loob, minsan naman, kalma lang tayo sa pag-yapos at pag-halik. May mga taong nasa paligid ninyo.

May isang mag-jowa akong nakasabay sa pila na naguumapaw sa PDA (aka public display of affection). Sa pila pa lang, halos di na sila makapagpigil sa pagyapos at paghalik. Mapisa-pisa na nga yung ilong ni Kuya Boy sa kakahalik kay Ate Girl. Sinubukan ko naman na wag pansinin ang dalawa; moment nila yun, bakit ba ako nakatingin?

Pero sadyang mahirap kasi sila mismo, di makapagpigil. Halos manggigil na si Kuya sa kanyang pinakamamahal at halos sakyan na ni Ate si Kuya nang nagyakapan sila ulit. Imbes na pansinin sila, nagbasa na lang ako ng Harry Potter, pero mas lumala pa silang dalawa.

Pano ba naman, may matching verbal lambing pang nalalaman. Lalo na nang nakapasok kaming lahat sa UV Express.

Ayoko na i-detalye lahat ng naganap sa loob ng sasakyan. Sabihin na lang natin na hindi lang ako ang halos mabaliw sa pinag-gagawa nilang dalawa. Yung lolang katabi ko halos mabatukan na sila ng dala niyang walking stick, pero nagpigil siya. Nakakaawa rin yung lalaking nakatabi nila, siksik na nga sa dulo, natutulak pa.

Ganon kalala.

Inuulit ko: wala naman akong problema kung in-love kayo at gusto niyong yumakap. Pero utang na loob, kalma naman minsan. Konting restrain lang naman ang hinihingi naming mga kapwa pasahero niyo. Wag niyo namang ipamukha na masayang-masaya kayo ng sobra-sobra--maraming single ang nasasaktan.

Nakakatuwang isipin na kahit sa loob ng UV Express, marami ang nagaganap. Mula sa kwentong pag-ibig hanggang sa simpleng pagdadasal, marami akong naibabaong naratibo pag-uwi ko sa bahay. Minsan, nakakasakit ng ulo pero sa totoo lang, hindi kumpleto ang araw ko kung walang kwentong UV.

Ikaw, anong kwentong UV Express mo?

Playlist: God's Not Dead

Playlist 

*lyrics of  songs that best describe the emotional setting, current mood or whatever state the writer is in. 

Mark: You prayed and believed your whole life. Never done anything wrong. And here you are. You're the nicest person I know. I am the meanest. You have dementia. My life is perfect. Explain that to me!

Mina's Mother: Sometimes the devil allows people to live a life free of trouble because he doesn't want them turning to God. Their sin is like a jail cell, except it is all nice and comfy and there doesn't seem to be any reason to leave. The door's wide open. Till one day, time runs out, and the cell door slams shut, and suddenly it's too late.

God's Not Dead

(Newsboys, God's Not Dead)

Let love explode and bring the dead to life

A love so bold

To seek a revolution somehow

Let love explode and bring the dead to life

A love so bold

To bring a revolution somehow

Now I'm lost in Your freedom

In this world I'll overcome

My God's not dead

He's surely alive

He's living on the inside

Roaring like a lion

God's not dead

He's surely alive

He's living on the inside

Roaring like a lion

Roaring, He's roaring, He's roaring like a lion

Let hope arise and make the darkness hide

My faith is dead I need resurrection somehow

Now I'm lost in Your freedom

In this world I'll overcome

My God's not dead

He's surely alive

He's living on the inside

Roaring like a lion

God's not dead

He's surely alive

He's living on the inside

Roaring like a lion

Roaring, He's roaring, He's roaring like a lion

He's roaring, He's roaring

Let heaven roar and fire fall

Come shake the ground

With the sound of revival

Let heaven roar and fire fall

Come shake the ground

With the sound of revival

Let heaven roar (Let heaven roar) and fire fall

Come shake the ground

With the sound of revival

(My God's not dead)

(He's surely alive)

He's living on the inside

Roaring like a lion

God's not dead

He's surely alive

He's living on the inside

Roaring like a lion

God's not dead

He's surely alive

He's living on the inside

Roaring like a lion

God's not dead

He's surely alive

He's living on the inside

Roaring like a lion

He's roaring, He's roaring, He's roaring like a lion

He's roaring, He's roaring, He's roaring like a lion.

Thought line: Christianity is not a religion; it's more than tradition or good works. It is more than memorizing a prayer or touching the toes of a saint. 

It is a relationship with a Father who loves unconditionally. You might think you know everything, that you are fine with your life but really, there is a gap that needs filling. 

The world continues to distort the image of God, which encourages others towards disbelief. But I ask: what have you got to lose if you let Him lead your life? If  God does not exist, then that should not be a problem. There is no heaven, no hell, no damnation, no sin, no sacrifice. 

But what if God DOES exists? Where would you be?

What have you got to lose?

Naniniwala Ka Ba Sa Forever? Understanding Why People Go Crazy Over #AlDub

Hello, my name is Ashley and I'm a fan of #AlDub.

Pabebe Wave! (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

Before anything else, I should explain myself. To be honest, I wasn't much of a Filipino love team fan. Yeah, I shipped Bobby-Angelu and Rico-Claudine during my younger days. But as I got older, I found Filipino love teams quite cheesy and too corny for my taste.

KathNiel? JaDine? DongYan? Ano yun?

While I want to support the Philippine media, I believed most Filipino stories fall for cliche story tropes. This made me believe that love teams were not worth my attention and therefore, I never found myself at the mercy of one.

Then, AlDub happened three weeks ago.

Aldub Them Very Much! (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

I found out about AlDub (a.k.a Alden/Yaya Dub) through one of my disciples during lunch. She was talking about the recent trends with today's noontime shows. While Showtime boosted ratings with a rock and roll joker, Eat Bulaga apparently was parading a new love team for their Juan for All, All for Juan segment.

I've been seeing the hashtag AlDub all over my Twitter and I've always wondered what it was. I was also sort of confused: how did Eat Bulaga managed to fit a kalyeserye segment for Juan For All, All for Juan?

So I decided to check it out.

And the rest is history.

Yaya's faceis priceless. (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

For the record, some people will not understand why most of us go crazy over Alden Richards and Yaya Dub (Maine Mendoza). They think it's shallow and corny-- "Ang baduy naman ng AlDub na yan! Ba't ka nababaliw diyan?" they ask.

Yes, it is corny and sometimes, it is baduy, as they say. So, why am I at the mercy of these two? Why do most of my friends (most of who I did not expect to like AlDub) always watch the replays every night?

I'll list down the reasons I can think of:

1) Not Your Typical Teleserye

Babala: Asawa ni Babalu (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

I think of it as a parody of all the Filipino romance stories. Kalyeserye takes a humurous approach at the typical Filipino teleserye plotlines. While it's sort of annoying, the humor injected by Yaya Dub's funny dubsmashes, Lola Nidora (Wally Bayola) and Frankie A. Arinoli's (Jose Manalo) portrayals and line exchange and Paolo Ballesteros' infectious laughter.

Let's not forget Tito, Vic, Joey and Allan K's commentaries, as well.

It's regular teleserye with an irregular approach. This makes the Kalyeserye an endearing must-watch for people who believe that forever exists.

2) Interactivity Works

'Naka 1 point ka na! Pati sa puso ko!" - Yaya Dub (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

In addition to not being your typical teleserye, Kalyeserye is very much interactive unlike other teleserye or noontime show segments. Because it's set on the streets, people can watch their performances live. 

While Yaya Dub and Alden can only see each other on split screens, the characters themselves manage to connect with potential audiences wherever and whenever. There's also something impressive with the capability of bringing the act closer to the people.

Take Alden arriving to stop the first YaKie wedding. Fans watched with anticipation as Alden raced from Broadway to where the wedding was. Another example was when Lola challenged him to run from Broadway again to Edsa within 20 minutes. This gives them more exposure to the general public, which raises awareness and therefore, more views.

3) An Interesting Mix of Characters

Kalyeserye's Selfie (Photo from the Philippipne Daily Inquirer)

KalyeSerye offers a wonderful combination of characters, each of them parodying typical characters we see in our teleseryes.

Yaya Dub reflects the typical Filipina heroine--your usual girl who started from the bottom who will somehow get over here. She's simple,sweet and can only communicate by dumbsmashing. Like any Filipina hero, she's oppressed but is loved by everyone. She serves Lola Nidora, who represents every kontrabida. 

Pabebe wave by Yaya Dub (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

While Lola cares for Yaya, she is very much against her and Alden--again, another cliche in Philippine love stories. Lola Nidora does everything she can to stop Yaya and Alden from meeting and ending up together. The reason behind this strong remains a mystery and viewers will only found out "...sa tamang panahon." 

Lola Nidora (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

Despite being the antagonist, Wally manages to portray Lola in such humor that we hate and love her at the same time. I crack up a lot whenever her bodyguards, the Rogelios, mess her plans and she criticizes them. Or whenever he does something out of the ordinary, like climbing out of a running car to escape the cops, or something like that.

Then there's Bae Alden, your knight in shinning armor and the love of Yaya Dub's life (kahit split screen lang). He's handsome and willing to overcome any task just so he can be with his Bae. Take away his girl and he will cry under the rain (I nearly died watching that scene).

YAYA DUB FOREVER (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

Alden represents the hero who shows kilig-worthy affections that would make any girl want to schedule a kwek-kwek date.

Of course, Kalyeserye offers third parties determined to break Yaya Dub and Alden's romance. There's Frankie A. Arinoli, the typical rich guy antagonist who loves modelling his branded clothing. He really loves Yaya Dub but unfortunately for him, Yaya loves only Alden and also has Trypophobia (a fear of holes), which makes him repulsive in her eyes.

Frankie and his Trypophobia-inducing face (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

Despite being a third party, Frankie also portrays that Other Guy who loves the heroine endlessly even if she doesn't, which makes him loveable in his own way. Plus, his English is funny.You have to give him that. 

Just recently, Eat Bulaga added another character to the mix and she's after Alden. Wally brings life to Duhrizz Maine, Lola Nidora's great grandchild from New York. Like the typical kontrabida girl, she's rich, flirty and determined to win Alden. Her pabebe tongue aims to overthrow Yaya's pabebe wave. 

For Pete's sake, please stop the Pabebe Tongue. (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

Sad to say, it's sort of weird and is not winning anyone any time. I mean, for real, she should stop doing it some time soon. 

4) Alden and Yaya Dub's Undeniable Chemistry

MAINEniwala na maALDEN ka niya. (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

There's no going around it: Maine and Alden share bubbling chemistry. And the mere fact that they haven't met in person yet is driving us all crazy. 

First off, let's all admit that Alden Richards is a total BAE. His be-dimpled smile is enough to knock Yaya Dub (and the rest of us) off her feet. I was never a fan of his acting but there's something in the way he dubsmashes and silently flirts with her. Even his cry face is on point, especially whenever he asks Yaya (over their fansign) when he'd see her. 

And c'mon, his pabebe wave is a killer.

That's MY Bae! (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

Yaya Dub is adorable in her own way.What I like the most about her is her sincerity and the realness that surrounds her character and personality. Maine Mendoza started as an online sensation and was given the chance to flourish on Philippine TV. When you watch her, you'd understand why.

Her ability to be beautiful and silly at the same time is amazing. It makes you wonder how she can transform from this cute Yaya to this weird-looking dubsmasher. Maine knows how to work it in front of the camera and she does so in a way that endears her to the public. The news about her other talents also makes her more loveable in our eyes.

Why so cute, Yaya Dub? (Photo fromo Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

When you put them together, Yaya and Alden manage to tickle our kilig bones to the point of no return. 

It remains a mystery if both parties are really developing actual feelings for each other, despite having intearactions on split screens only. But whatever the real score is, their TV love story is enough to make viewers wish they can have someone to share isaw with and an occasional pabebe wave here and there.

5) Simple Yet Powerful Lessons About Love

Kalyeserye wins over other noontime segments with its capability to teach simple lessons about one of the most complicated aspects in life -- LOVE.

Yaya and Alden 4EVER (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

Almost everyone's got a hugot or walang forever sentiment nowadays. This is why social media and pop culture dwells on the joys and pains of being in and out of love. Eat Bulaga uses this popular concepts and infuses them with life lessons that strike people where it hurts the most. 

One way they successfuly did so was through this moving speech from Lola Nidora:

"Ang gusto ko lang naman ay pag-ibig sa TAMANG PANAHON. Lahat ng bagay pinagtiyatiyagaan, pinaghihirapan at pinagsisikapan. Walang kahahantungan ang mga bagay na minamadali. Fan sign lang, LOVE NA? Text, text lang, KAYO NA? Ano 'to? Mas maganda ang bagay na pinagtiyatyagaan at dumarating sa tamang panahon. Tandaan niyong lahat. Masarap umibig, masarap ang inspirasyon. Huwag lang minamadali. Lahat ng bagay nasa tamang panahon."

(Translation: All I want is a love that occurs in the right time. You must work hard for everything. Anything rushed is pointless. You exchanged simple fansigns and it's love already? You texted one another and that defines your relationship? What is this?

It's much better to enjoy something you worked hard for, something that arrived at the right time. Remember this: loving is sweet and so are inspirations. Don't rush it. Everything should happen at the right time)

Lola Nidora Knows Best (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

Lola's point hits where it hurts. Indeed, most people think love can be achieved immediately. After all, what is the sense of waiting when almost everything happens instantly?

Lola Nidora reminds viewers about the importance of working hard for something you want. As she puts it, you can't just rush love--you must work for it and wait for it to come at the right time. She reiterates this idea when she reveals her true intentions during YaKie's 2nd wedding (turns out it was a hoax; pastor's an impostor and she only forced Yaya to get married so Frankie can---oh, just watch it on your own).

She tells Frankie that love cannot be bought by money; LOVE demands to be felt and should be displayed with sincerity.

You go, Lola!

"Ang pag-ibig nararamdaman, hindi binibili!"
- Lola Nidora
(Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

And of course, watching AlDub reminds viewers of the amazing feeling of falling in love.

There's nothing better than meeting someone who instantly sends a jolt to your spine. Yaya Dub and Alden's exchanges send us into fits of kilig, while reminding us that two people meant together are destined for forever. While there will always be ups and downs, true love never says never and keeps fighting.

Even if you have to run from Broadway to EDSA, you'd willingly do it for the sake of someone you love.

Maniwala tayo sa forever!
(Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

I never really thought I'd be a follower of AlDub. I thought it was shallow and another money-spinner that would waste my precious time. But after watching Alden and Yaya Dub exchange their pabebe waves and see how Lola Nidora teaches us about love, I changed my mind.

Naniniwala na rin ako sa forever. *insert pabebe wave here*

An Open Letter to that Little Boy from Bradford: Goodbye, Zayn.

*if you're not a fan of One Direction or Zayn Malik and enjoy judging people for what they like, I suggest you close this page now. Laughing at a fandom's misery won't do you any good. Respect people for what they like. I'm not being shallow, I'm just expressing thoughts. As a writer, I enjoy expressing sentiments in the most dramatic way possible. 


To that Little Boy from Bradford,

I woke up to sad news this morning. You know what it is; everyone in the world knows what it is.

You left the group.

Prior to your announcement, rumors circulated about your decision. The past week was kinda sad already with you ditching the last leg of the Asian tour due to stress. When I read the latest buzz, I was sad, not just for myself or for the fandom, but for you.

I thought: Man, he's having a hard time, huh?

You weren't able to sing for us last Sunday. That was disappointing but I get the reason. Your friends managed to pull it off but somewhere, there was a lack. During the entire time, I just kept thinking: he'll be back. He just needs some time. He'll hit the high notes soon.

Apparently, you wouldn't be hitting the high notes soon. According to the news (and to your band's Facebook page), you've officially signed off the group.

Everyone who loves you and the band was distraught. I opened my Twitter account and the hashtag #AlwaysInOurHeartsZaynMalik was trending worldwide. Many fans were shedding tears, creating memorials and expressing their grief at your departure.

Clueless spectators would think you'd already died, based on what the fans are posting. I thought so myself. While reading their posts, I could help but think: is he dead? He just quit. People need to get themselves together. He's not dead.

When I first heard about it, I didn't know how to feel. Part of me expected it, the other wished it didn't happen too soon. My officemates greeted me with sympathetic hugs and 'Are you okay?'s because they knew I'm a big fan of yours. Even my friends sent messages. You'd think someone I loved just died.

Now that I've got my thoughts settled, I know what to say:

Thank you.

Thank you, Little Boy from Bradford.

Like I said, no one wants you to go. Let's be honest: your high notes define some of your songs. Your voice plays a vital role in the band's success. Your mysterious and supposedly innocent charm captured millions. Your evolving hairdo and stunning eyes made us fall in love with you.

Thank you, Zayn.

We're very saddened to see you go. Your bandmates refuse to call themselves One Direction during your absence, preferring to introduce themselves as Harry, Liam, Louis and Niall. Now I wonder how they're going to introduce themselves as One Direction without you.

No doubt they will manage. It will take time but Harry, Liam, Louis and Niall will eventually move on. They will carry on and we will still be there for them.

And we will still be there for you.

It's been 3 years since I first enjoyed your powerful voice. I never considered myself a super fan of One Direction. In fact, the first time I saw you in One Thing, I thought: Wow, he looks so gay. Did they place an Indian in the music video to encourage diversity?

Eventually, I found myself regretting my words when I watched What Makes You Beautiful. You were so...ugh. I can't even explain. Seeing you and the other lads did it for me. I found myself becoming an official Directioner before my 18th birthday.

Admittedly, I play favorites. I became a fan of the band because of you and Harry, but mostly because of you. You were such a good singer I found myself listening to your high notes a lot. Even if you added a stripe of gold to your already perfect hair, I didn't mind.

Zayn Malik is the bomb. And you always will be.

Being a star is tough. You don't get too much privacy, people always hound you with every scandal and basically, you just don't get to live your life normally. That scandal in Thailand must've pushed you to the edge, huh? And now I hear you scrambled back to England to see your girl Perrie.

I have some reservations on what happened but I'm not here to diss you on your decisions. Like I said, I'm here to say thank you. Some people think it's shallow but it's not for me. I really admired your talent and will always do.

Everyone's a wreck now--everyone in the fandom, that is. Even Harry couldn't contain himself. Poor kid, crying on stage in Jakarta (apparently, he wasn't crying. But you know, he tried to make you stay). I feel sorry for your friends. They must be devastated with your departure. I think this image sums it up:

There's still so much I want to say. I know it's weird that I'm writing to you as if I know you. But I do know you, as an avid fan and lover of your talent.

You'll be okay, Zayn. You just need time. It hurts a number but you need the space. You deserve it. I hope you find the peace you've been wanting.

Your song Where Do Broken Hearts Go rings true right now.

Now I'm searching every lonely place

Every corner calling out your name

Trying to find you but I  just don't know

Where do broken hearts go?

Indeed, Little Boy, where do broken hearts go?

Thank you for everything. You've done so much in the last 5 years. I just wish I got to hear you sing. But apparently, I missed the chance. Someday, you'll be back on your feet. You'll be okay, Little Boy. 

We'll all be okay. :)

We'll always be waiting for you--the Little Boy from Bradford who stood at MSG. That Little Boy from Bradford who smashed it.

Love,

The Little Girl From Afar 

Midnight Memories: On the Road Again Tour 2015

Midnight Memories

My On the Road Again Tour Experience

#NOCHILLPHILIPPINES

That hashtag perfectly describes the crazy goings during Day 2 of the On The Road Again Tour 2015, which I was blessed to be a part of. 

As a fan of One Direction, I've waited long for this day. Despite my ticket stationed quite far, I was looking forward to finally hearing them LIVE. Not just in my speakers, on my laptop or on TV--freaking LIVE. And we'd get to see them up close, even it's only on the LED screens.

2 days earlier I was mourning over the fact that my Zayn Malik was going to be a no-show on the concert. I'm a big Zayn fan. In fact, I became a fan because of him. You can imagine my sadness when my office mates blurted the bad news that morning. 1D with no Zayn? Me not seeing my bebe boy?

*insert hypothetical tears*

My excitement for the show wavered for a bit. But eventually, I couldn't help but still look forward to it. After all, Harry, Liam, Niall & Louis were coming to town. 

So. Concert day - MARCH 22, 2015

My concert buddy and I arrived early but the line was like -- WHOAAAA.

THAT LINE THO. THAT LINE.

Fans were scattered everywhere. They all had their gimmicks. I met a set of interesting girls, each with a favorite Directioner in mind. There were foreigners bearing a cardboard head of Harry's best friend (how'd they even know that was Harry's best friend?!), girls giggling all of a sudden, parents chaperoning their kids (though most of them were fans themselves!) and various happy scenarios.

There was this little scene where girls went cray cray over this Zayn Malik lookalike. They really chased him...REALLY CHASED HIM. And took pictures.

Yes, they did.

Zayn, look at what you've done to the people. 

11 hours. That's how long Ana and I waited for the boys. We endured unbelievable heat in the morning. The sun was ferociously staring down at us while we begged for some wind. I thank God for giving us the endurance to stay strong despite the heat.

#OUTSTANDINGSTUDENT!

Me and mah concert buddeh #zayn #harry

While waiting, I finally felt what it was like to be with people who understood your love for 1D. Pre-concert, I shared my 1D side with a friend or two who knew what I was talking about. But they were so rare! I sometimes discussed my fangirling with friends who endured for my sake.

But there I was, surrounded with not one but MILLIONS of people who got my feels! :D Haha! It was amazing. No one smirked at me when I poured all my sad feels over Zayn's sudden departure. Nobody raised their eyebrows when I giggled while listening to Zayn hit them high notes.

They understood. I was home. AHHHHHHH :d

Fellow Fan Girls <3 #harthart

11 hours! Man, what an experience. By the time 5 PM rolled in, we were allowed to go inside the grounds. Everyone was psyched, and who could blame them? We've waited so long for the lads! :D We were finally going to see them. Even if we had to wait 3 more hours, it was okay!

And we were in!

That X. Stahp reminding me of Ed Sheeran :(

Of course, the show wasn't due for 3 more hours. We met more fans and I was surprised with the generous amount of straight male fans there. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging or anything. It's just that I've always thought guys are instantly repelled with One Direction. Apparently, I was wrong. I'd find out later how dead wrong I was.

Did I mention that it also rained? Yep, the rain poured hard. Umbrellas weren't allowed inside so we were soaked. Despite the moody weather, we still persevered! The girls around me were like: Rain or shine, it's okay! PARA SA KANILA TO! TIISIN ANG LAHAT PARA SA 1D!

Rain or shine indeed.

By 7 PM, almost everyone was getting antsy. The teenage fans were begging the guards to move the barricade forward to get a better view of the lads. I was okay with where I was. After all, there was a big LED screen nearby.

The concert's opening act was DJ KC. Let me just say: RAIN + HARDCORE DJ BEATS = WOAH. He was pretty good with hyping up the crowd. But of course, everyone anticipated the lads.

Finally, after much waiting, after too many commercials, after so much crying around, after too many 5SOS and Little Mix music videos- it was time.

THEY WERE HERE. THEY WERE REALLY HERE.

Even though they were far, the live singing got to me. THEY SOUNDED SO GOOD LIVE. What you hear on the radio is exactly what you hear live. Though Zayn was absent, they managed to put on a good show.

I'm not a big fan of the song Clouds but when the performed it first, I had a change of heart.

FANTASTIC FOUR

As I mentioned, I'm a big Zayn fan. So I couldn't help but feel a bit sad, wanting to hear his voice in their songs. But in all fairness, they managed to pull everything off. In fact, Zayn's absence made me appreciate the other boys.

As expected, Harry and Niall were the stars of the night. Whenever the camera panned at them or when they belched out solos, ovaries exploded. Heck, even straight male fans were pointing and singing along to them.

I was also super impressed by these two, especially when Niall did a birit part. Yeah, he did a Zayn part. I just can't remember which song. The Irish Princess was so cool and awesome that I finally understood why they went gaga over him. That angelic blonde look and perkiness was definitely worth the swoon.

And of course, Harry was the typical pop star. I got to hand it to him, he's a good performer. He knows what works up the audience and he's definitely fun to watch. Especially when he had his man bun. He'll always be my best second favorite of all time.

#ManBun

Apart from the songs, I had tons of favorite moments from the show:

1) Liam reading out fan signs. Too funny. There was one fan who asked him to say NAKAKAPAGPABAGABAG (a difficult Filipino word) and the results were so funny. There were long-lost daughter claims, bolera moments and adoption claims as well.

There was also a selfie request. Here's what Liam and Niall did:

SO CUTE. I CAN'T EVEN.

2) Liam, Niall, Louis and the rest of McDonald's lovers VS. Harry.

Poor Harry. I don't remember how the argument exactly started. Apparently, someone wanted to toss a burger on stage and Liam began discussing how McDonald's was one of the best foods in the world. He went on to elaborate the importance of fast foods.

Harry, on the other hand, began to object and said, "We should all eat our vegetables!" Unfortunately, he realized too late he was battling a losing fight. I mean, come on, vegetables against chicken nuggets?

Liam got the crowd chanting "CHICKEN NUGGETS!" Poor Harry attempted to raise a pitiful chant of "HEALTHY EATING!" Lucky for him, we love him. Despite our agreement with Liam,we sided with him for the sake of siding with him.

Eventually, someone did toss Louis a burger.With his recent breakup with Eleanor, he deserves it.

3) THE BIRTHDAY CHAIR. I find it sweet that the boys appreciate their staff and crew. For Day 2, they sang for this man named Toby who sat on Harry (a.k.a the birthday chair). It was too sweet, I tell ya.

4) Liam sang I Will Survive. He was introducing the band, which eventually lead to him singing I Will Survive. The man's got vocal skills.

5) Basically every time they teased us by calling out (in a flirty voice): MANILAAAAA. I bet every girl wanted to be named Manila that night.

Hello Harry. I think I love you better now.

The songs were mostly from Four and Midnight Memories. But of course, the boys sang their eternal hits: One Thing, What Makes You Beautiful, Kiss You and Best Song Ever. Like I said, they sounded so good LIVE. Goes to show that they really gots them talents.

They ended with Best Song Ever and indeed, it was the best song ever. Add fireworks and spectacular goodbyes, you get yourself tons of screaming fans. Total pandemonium. While they were saying their goodbyes, it occurred to me that I was part of an unbelievable experience. Far as they were, I shared the same area with them.

People will disagree when I say they're one of the best bands in the world. They are. I'm not just saying this cause I love Zayn's voice--if you gave their album a chance, you'd see how much they've leveled up from teeny bopper hits to serious ballads.

Well Hello, Nialler.

The concert confirmed to me that I wasn't a fan just because of Zayn. They sounded so good, I wished they wouldn't stop singing. It's amazing to see how much they've changed--their musical acts, I mean. Sometimes, I wish they were still the same lads from Kiss You.

But people change. Plus Four's an amazing album.

Greyscale lads

The concert was worth the wait. Though it was obvious something was missing (ugh Zayn, Y U DO DIS TO MEH), they pulled it off and it was an amazing experience. So amazing that I'm so determined to get decent seats next time.

I still thank God for the opportunity. Not everyone got to hear them live--I did. It was cool. The heat, rain, and back pains were worth it. I noticed some patterns and technical stuff with the concert, but I'll discuss it some other time.

I'm hoping for concert part 2! They promised they'd come back soon. Hopefully, they would and when they do, baby boy Zayn is already okay and ready to hit them high notes :) Rumors of break up are circulating, but I believe they'll get their act together soon.

For now, I'm left with 1D Hangover. I'm so happy and very blessed to have experienced the BEST NIGHT EVER.

When You Just Don't Know What to Feel

Sometimes, you just don't know what to feel.

Right now, I'm pretty sure that I'm unsure of what I feel.

Ever felt like you're just floating in some blank space (baby, and I'll write your name?), some unfortunate abyss, somewhere that seems like nowhere that you just don't know where you're going that sometimes you don't make any sense?

Like that paragraph I just wrote?

These recent days, I feel like I'm encased inside a bubble, mindlessly floating and bouncing away. Everyone seems like they've got a sure hold of what's currently happening. Me? I'm just staring into space--waiting for someone to pop that bubble.

God, everything seems so surreal right now. Here I am, this filthy piece of stained cloth and there You are, this perfect Being that I can never please without hurting, double the price. It pains me, realizing how imperfect I am, how I deserve to be thrown into a mixture of problems.

Right now, I wish everything would just stop. Where's a pause button when you need one? Where?

My heart's too tired to think. Yes, a heart thinks but it's easily deceived. I'm this little hobbit trapped in a big Middle Earth, clueless as to where I should step next.

I'm not making sense right now.

Oh God, do not be fed up with my stupidity or inferiority. Sometimes, I wish I could just be but dust and go into Your presence. Though I do not deserve it, I beg You let me in. On bended knees, I beg. I pray. I hope.

I'm lost. Undeserving. Filthy piece of stained cloth.

I am nothing.

In Your presence, I lose hope. I cannot achieve the perfection I wish. You are this Higher Entity and I am this puny ant struggling to reach the top of an anthill. You are this Perfect Enigma and I am but a speck of dirt.

I still don't know what I feel.

When you're unsure of what you feel, a number of emotions whirl endlessly. What do I feel? What am I? Where am I going? What's happening?

I have no right to blurt out. Who am I? Just a speck of dirt.

Oh God. How can this thing that's killing me make me feel so alive?

Oh Sovereign God of a depraved sinner. What can I do? What should I feel? Why am I thrown into this pit of mess?

This is what happens when you don't know what to feel.

You just don't.

But you will someday. It won't be tomorrow or the next day, but rest assured, you will.

I know I will.