Naniniwala Ka Ba Sa Forever? Understanding Why People Go Crazy Over #AlDub

Hello, my name is Ashley and I'm a fan of #AlDub.

Pabebe Wave! (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

Before anything else, I should explain myself. To be honest, I wasn't much of a Filipino love team fan. Yeah, I shipped Bobby-Angelu and Rico-Claudine during my younger days. But as I got older, I found Filipino love teams quite cheesy and too corny for my taste.

KathNiel? JaDine? DongYan? Ano yun?

While I want to support the Philippine media, I believed most Filipino stories fall for cliche story tropes. This made me believe that love teams were not worth my attention and therefore, I never found myself at the mercy of one.

Then, AlDub happened three weeks ago.

Aldub Them Very Much! (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

I found out about AlDub (a.k.a Alden/Yaya Dub) through one of my disciples during lunch. She was talking about the recent trends with today's noontime shows. While Showtime boosted ratings with a rock and roll joker, Eat Bulaga apparently was parading a new love team for their Juan for All, All for Juan segment.

I've been seeing the hashtag AlDub all over my Twitter and I've always wondered what it was. I was also sort of confused: how did Eat Bulaga managed to fit a kalyeserye segment for Juan For All, All for Juan?

So I decided to check it out.

And the rest is history.

Yaya's faceis priceless. (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

For the record, some people will not understand why most of us go crazy over Alden Richards and Yaya Dub (Maine Mendoza). They think it's shallow and corny-- "Ang baduy naman ng AlDub na yan! Ba't ka nababaliw diyan?" they ask.

Yes, it is corny and sometimes, it is baduy, as they say. So, why am I at the mercy of these two? Why do most of my friends (most of who I did not expect to like AlDub) always watch the replays every night?

I'll list down the reasons I can think of:

1) Not Your Typical Teleserye

Babala: Asawa ni Babalu (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

I think of it as a parody of all the Filipino romance stories. Kalyeserye takes a humurous approach at the typical Filipino teleserye plotlines. While it's sort of annoying, the humor injected by Yaya Dub's funny dubsmashes, Lola Nidora (Wally Bayola) and Frankie A. Arinoli's (Jose Manalo) portrayals and line exchange and Paolo Ballesteros' infectious laughter.

Let's not forget Tito, Vic, Joey and Allan K's commentaries, as well.

It's regular teleserye with an irregular approach. This makes the Kalyeserye an endearing must-watch for people who believe that forever exists.

2) Interactivity Works

'Naka 1 point ka na! Pati sa puso ko!" - Yaya Dub (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

In addition to not being your typical teleserye, Kalyeserye is very much interactive unlike other teleserye or noontime show segments. Because it's set on the streets, people can watch their performances live. 

While Yaya Dub and Alden can only see each other on split screens, the characters themselves manage to connect with potential audiences wherever and whenever. There's also something impressive with the capability of bringing the act closer to the people.

Take Alden arriving to stop the first YaKie wedding. Fans watched with anticipation as Alden raced from Broadway to where the wedding was. Another example was when Lola challenged him to run from Broadway again to Edsa within 20 minutes. This gives them more exposure to the general public, which raises awareness and therefore, more views.

3) An Interesting Mix of Characters

Kalyeserye's Selfie (Photo from the Philippipne Daily Inquirer)

KalyeSerye offers a wonderful combination of characters, each of them parodying typical characters we see in our teleseryes.

Yaya Dub reflects the typical Filipina heroine--your usual girl who started from the bottom who will somehow get over here. She's simple,sweet and can only communicate by dumbsmashing. Like any Filipina hero, she's oppressed but is loved by everyone. She serves Lola Nidora, who represents every kontrabida. 

Pabebe wave by Yaya Dub (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

While Lola cares for Yaya, she is very much against her and Alden--again, another cliche in Philippine love stories. Lola Nidora does everything she can to stop Yaya and Alden from meeting and ending up together. The reason behind this strong remains a mystery and viewers will only found out "...sa tamang panahon." 

Lola Nidora (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

Despite being the antagonist, Wally manages to portray Lola in such humor that we hate and love her at the same time. I crack up a lot whenever her bodyguards, the Rogelios, mess her plans and she criticizes them. Or whenever he does something out of the ordinary, like climbing out of a running car to escape the cops, or something like that.

Then there's Bae Alden, your knight in shinning armor and the love of Yaya Dub's life (kahit split screen lang). He's handsome and willing to overcome any task just so he can be with his Bae. Take away his girl and he will cry under the rain (I nearly died watching that scene).

YAYA DUB FOREVER (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

Alden represents the hero who shows kilig-worthy affections that would make any girl want to schedule a kwek-kwek date.

Of course, Kalyeserye offers third parties determined to break Yaya Dub and Alden's romance. There's Frankie A. Arinoli, the typical rich guy antagonist who loves modelling his branded clothing. He really loves Yaya Dub but unfortunately for him, Yaya loves only Alden and also has Trypophobia (a fear of holes), which makes him repulsive in her eyes.

Frankie and his Trypophobia-inducing face (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

Despite being a third party, Frankie also portrays that Other Guy who loves the heroine endlessly even if she doesn't, which makes him loveable in his own way. Plus, his English is funny.You have to give him that. 

Just recently, Eat Bulaga added another character to the mix and she's after Alden. Wally brings life to Duhrizz Maine, Lola Nidora's great grandchild from New York. Like the typical kontrabida girl, she's rich, flirty and determined to win Alden. Her pabebe tongue aims to overthrow Yaya's pabebe wave. 

For Pete's sake, please stop the Pabebe Tongue. (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

Sad to say, it's sort of weird and is not winning anyone any time. I mean, for real, she should stop doing it some time soon. 

4) Alden and Yaya Dub's Undeniable Chemistry

MAINEniwala na maALDEN ka niya. (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

There's no going around it: Maine and Alden share bubbling chemistry. And the mere fact that they haven't met in person yet is driving us all crazy. 

First off, let's all admit that Alden Richards is a total BAE. His be-dimpled smile is enough to knock Yaya Dub (and the rest of us) off her feet. I was never a fan of his acting but there's something in the way he dubsmashes and silently flirts with her. Even his cry face is on point, especially whenever he asks Yaya (over their fansign) when he'd see her. 

And c'mon, his pabebe wave is a killer.

That's MY Bae! (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

Yaya Dub is adorable in her own way.What I like the most about her is her sincerity and the realness that surrounds her character and personality. Maine Mendoza started as an online sensation and was given the chance to flourish on Philippine TV. When you watch her, you'd understand why.

Her ability to be beautiful and silly at the same time is amazing. It makes you wonder how she can transform from this cute Yaya to this weird-looking dubsmasher. Maine knows how to work it in front of the camera and she does so in a way that endears her to the public. The news about her other talents also makes her more loveable in our eyes.

Why so cute, Yaya Dub? (Photo fromo Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

When you put them together, Yaya and Alden manage to tickle our kilig bones to the point of no return. 

It remains a mystery if both parties are really developing actual feelings for each other, despite having intearactions on split screens only. But whatever the real score is, their TV love story is enough to make viewers wish they can have someone to share isaw with and an occasional pabebe wave here and there.

5) Simple Yet Powerful Lessons About Love

Kalyeserye wins over other noontime segments with its capability to teach simple lessons about one of the most complicated aspects in life -- LOVE.

Yaya and Alden 4EVER (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

Almost everyone's got a hugot or walang forever sentiment nowadays. This is why social media and pop culture dwells on the joys and pains of being in and out of love. Eat Bulaga uses this popular concepts and infuses them with life lessons that strike people where it hurts the most. 

One way they successfuly did so was through this moving speech from Lola Nidora:

"Ang gusto ko lang naman ay pag-ibig sa TAMANG PANAHON. Lahat ng bagay pinagtiyatiyagaan, pinaghihirapan at pinagsisikapan. Walang kahahantungan ang mga bagay na minamadali. Fan sign lang, LOVE NA? Text, text lang, KAYO NA? Ano 'to? Mas maganda ang bagay na pinagtiyatyagaan at dumarating sa tamang panahon. Tandaan niyong lahat. Masarap umibig, masarap ang inspirasyon. Huwag lang minamadali. Lahat ng bagay nasa tamang panahon."

(Translation: All I want is a love that occurs in the right time. You must work hard for everything. Anything rushed is pointless. You exchanged simple fansigns and it's love already? You texted one another and that defines your relationship? What is this?

It's much better to enjoy something you worked hard for, something that arrived at the right time. Remember this: loving is sweet and so are inspirations. Don't rush it. Everything should happen at the right time)

Lola Nidora Knows Best (Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

Lola's point hits where it hurts. Indeed, most people think love can be achieved immediately. After all, what is the sense of waiting when almost everything happens instantly?

Lola Nidora reminds viewers about the importance of working hard for something you want. As she puts it, you can't just rush love--you must work for it and wait for it to come at the right time. She reiterates this idea when she reveals her true intentions during YaKie's 2nd wedding (turns out it was a hoax; pastor's an impostor and she only forced Yaya to get married so Frankie can---oh, just watch it on your own).

She tells Frankie that love cannot be bought by money; LOVE demands to be felt and should be displayed with sincerity.

You go, Lola!

"Ang pag-ibig nararamdaman, hindi binibili!"
- Lola Nidora
(Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

And of course, watching AlDub reminds viewers of the amazing feeling of falling in love.

There's nothing better than meeting someone who instantly sends a jolt to your spine. Yaya Dub and Alden's exchanges send us into fits of kilig, while reminding us that two people meant together are destined for forever. While there will always be ups and downs, true love never says never and keeps fighting.

Even if you have to run from Broadway to EDSA, you'd willingly do it for the sake of someone you love.

Maniwala tayo sa forever!
(Photo from Eat Bulaga's Facebook Page)

I never really thought I'd be a follower of AlDub. I thought it was shallow and another money-spinner that would waste my precious time. But after watching Alden and Yaya Dub exchange their pabebe waves and see how Lola Nidora teaches us about love, I changed my mind.

Naniniwala na rin ako sa forever. *insert pabebe wave here*

An Open Letter to that Little Boy from Bradford: Goodbye, Zayn.

*if you're not a fan of One Direction or Zayn Malik and enjoy judging people for what they like, I suggest you close this page now. Laughing at a fandom's misery won't do you any good. Respect people for what they like. I'm not being shallow, I'm just expressing thoughts. As a writer, I enjoy expressing sentiments in the most dramatic way possible. 


To that Little Boy from Bradford,

I woke up to sad news this morning. You know what it is; everyone in the world knows what it is.

You left the group.

Prior to your announcement, rumors circulated about your decision. The past week was kinda sad already with you ditching the last leg of the Asian tour due to stress. When I read the latest buzz, I was sad, not just for myself or for the fandom, but for you.

I thought: Man, he's having a hard time, huh?

You weren't able to sing for us last Sunday. That was disappointing but I get the reason. Your friends managed to pull it off but somewhere, there was a lack. During the entire time, I just kept thinking: he'll be back. He just needs some time. He'll hit the high notes soon.

Apparently, you wouldn't be hitting the high notes soon. According to the news (and to your band's Facebook page), you've officially signed off the group.

Everyone who loves you and the band was distraught. I opened my Twitter account and the hashtag #AlwaysInOurHeartsZaynMalik was trending worldwide. Many fans were shedding tears, creating memorials and expressing their grief at your departure.

Clueless spectators would think you'd already died, based on what the fans are posting. I thought so myself. While reading their posts, I could help but think: is he dead? He just quit. People need to get themselves together. He's not dead.

When I first heard about it, I didn't know how to feel. Part of me expected it, the other wished it didn't happen too soon. My officemates greeted me with sympathetic hugs and 'Are you okay?'s because they knew I'm a big fan of yours. Even my friends sent messages. You'd think someone I loved just died.

Now that I've got my thoughts settled, I know what to say:

Thank you.

Thank you, Little Boy from Bradford.

Like I said, no one wants you to go. Let's be honest: your high notes define some of your songs. Your voice plays a vital role in the band's success. Your mysterious and supposedly innocent charm captured millions. Your evolving hairdo and stunning eyes made us fall in love with you.

Thank you, Zayn.

We're very saddened to see you go. Your bandmates refuse to call themselves One Direction during your absence, preferring to introduce themselves as Harry, Liam, Louis and Niall. Now I wonder how they're going to introduce themselves as One Direction without you.

No doubt they will manage. It will take time but Harry, Liam, Louis and Niall will eventually move on. They will carry on and we will still be there for them.

And we will still be there for you.

It's been 3 years since I first enjoyed your powerful voice. I never considered myself a super fan of One Direction. In fact, the first time I saw you in One Thing, I thought: Wow, he looks so gay. Did they place an Indian in the music video to encourage diversity?

Eventually, I found myself regretting my words when I watched What Makes You Beautiful. You were so...ugh. I can't even explain. Seeing you and the other lads did it for me. I found myself becoming an official Directioner before my 18th birthday.

Admittedly, I play favorites. I became a fan of the band because of you and Harry, but mostly because of you. You were such a good singer I found myself listening to your high notes a lot. Even if you added a stripe of gold to your already perfect hair, I didn't mind.

Zayn Malik is the bomb. And you always will be.

Being a star is tough. You don't get too much privacy, people always hound you with every scandal and basically, you just don't get to live your life normally. That scandal in Thailand must've pushed you to the edge, huh? And now I hear you scrambled back to England to see your girl Perrie.

I have some reservations on what happened but I'm not here to diss you on your decisions. Like I said, I'm here to say thank you. Some people think it's shallow but it's not for me. I really admired your talent and will always do.

Everyone's a wreck now--everyone in the fandom, that is. Even Harry couldn't contain himself. Poor kid, crying on stage in Jakarta (apparently, he wasn't crying. But you know, he tried to make you stay). I feel sorry for your friends. They must be devastated with your departure. I think this image sums it up:

There's still so much I want to say. I know it's weird that I'm writing to you as if I know you. But I do know you, as an avid fan and lover of your talent.

You'll be okay, Zayn. You just need time. It hurts a number but you need the space. You deserve it. I hope you find the peace you've been wanting.

Your song Where Do Broken Hearts Go rings true right now.

Now I'm searching every lonely place

Every corner calling out your name

Trying to find you but I  just don't know

Where do broken hearts go?

Indeed, Little Boy, where do broken hearts go?

Thank you for everything. You've done so much in the last 5 years. I just wish I got to hear you sing. But apparently, I missed the chance. Someday, you'll be back on your feet. You'll be okay, Little Boy. 

We'll all be okay. :)

We'll always be waiting for you--the Little Boy from Bradford who stood at MSG. That Little Boy from Bradford who smashed it.

Love,

The Little Girl From Afar 

Midnight Memories: On the Road Again Tour 2015

Midnight Memories

My On the Road Again Tour Experience

#NOCHILLPHILIPPINES

That hashtag perfectly describes the crazy goings during Day 2 of the On The Road Again Tour 2015, which I was blessed to be a part of. 

As a fan of One Direction, I've waited long for this day. Despite my ticket stationed quite far, I was looking forward to finally hearing them LIVE. Not just in my speakers, on my laptop or on TV--freaking LIVE. And we'd get to see them up close, even it's only on the LED screens.

2 days earlier I was mourning over the fact that my Zayn Malik was going to be a no-show on the concert. I'm a big Zayn fan. In fact, I became a fan because of him. You can imagine my sadness when my office mates blurted the bad news that morning. 1D with no Zayn? Me not seeing my bebe boy?

*insert hypothetical tears*

My excitement for the show wavered for a bit. But eventually, I couldn't help but still look forward to it. After all, Harry, Liam, Niall & Louis were coming to town. 

So. Concert day - MARCH 22, 2015

My concert buddy and I arrived early but the line was like -- WHOAAAA.

THAT LINE THO. THAT LINE.

Fans were scattered everywhere. They all had their gimmicks. I met a set of interesting girls, each with a favorite Directioner in mind. There were foreigners bearing a cardboard head of Harry's best friend (how'd they even know that was Harry's best friend?!), girls giggling all of a sudden, parents chaperoning their kids (though most of them were fans themselves!) and various happy scenarios.

There was this little scene where girls went cray cray over this Zayn Malik lookalike. They really chased him...REALLY CHASED HIM. And took pictures.

Yes, they did.

Zayn, look at what you've done to the people. 

11 hours. That's how long Ana and I waited for the boys. We endured unbelievable heat in the morning. The sun was ferociously staring down at us while we begged for some wind. I thank God for giving us the endurance to stay strong despite the heat.

#OUTSTANDINGSTUDENT!

Me and mah concert buddeh #zayn #harry

While waiting, I finally felt what it was like to be with people who understood your love for 1D. Pre-concert, I shared my 1D side with a friend or two who knew what I was talking about. But they were so rare! I sometimes discussed my fangirling with friends who endured for my sake.

But there I was, surrounded with not one but MILLIONS of people who got my feels! :D Haha! It was amazing. No one smirked at me when I poured all my sad feels over Zayn's sudden departure. Nobody raised their eyebrows when I giggled while listening to Zayn hit them high notes.

They understood. I was home. AHHHHHHH :d

Fellow Fan Girls <3 #harthart

11 hours! Man, what an experience. By the time 5 PM rolled in, we were allowed to go inside the grounds. Everyone was psyched, and who could blame them? We've waited so long for the lads! :D We were finally going to see them. Even if we had to wait 3 more hours, it was okay!

And we were in!

That X. Stahp reminding me of Ed Sheeran :(

Of course, the show wasn't due for 3 more hours. We met more fans and I was surprised with the generous amount of straight male fans there. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging or anything. It's just that I've always thought guys are instantly repelled with One Direction. Apparently, I was wrong. I'd find out later how dead wrong I was.

Did I mention that it also rained? Yep, the rain poured hard. Umbrellas weren't allowed inside so we were soaked. Despite the moody weather, we still persevered! The girls around me were like: Rain or shine, it's okay! PARA SA KANILA TO! TIISIN ANG LAHAT PARA SA 1D!

Rain or shine indeed.

By 7 PM, almost everyone was getting antsy. The teenage fans were begging the guards to move the barricade forward to get a better view of the lads. I was okay with where I was. After all, there was a big LED screen nearby.

The concert's opening act was DJ KC. Let me just say: RAIN + HARDCORE DJ BEATS = WOAH. He was pretty good with hyping up the crowd. But of course, everyone anticipated the lads.

Finally, after much waiting, after too many commercials, after so much crying around, after too many 5SOS and Little Mix music videos- it was time.

THEY WERE HERE. THEY WERE REALLY HERE.

Even though they were far, the live singing got to me. THEY SOUNDED SO GOOD LIVE. What you hear on the radio is exactly what you hear live. Though Zayn was absent, they managed to put on a good show.

I'm not a big fan of the song Clouds but when the performed it first, I had a change of heart.

FANTASTIC FOUR

As I mentioned, I'm a big Zayn fan. So I couldn't help but feel a bit sad, wanting to hear his voice in their songs. But in all fairness, they managed to pull everything off. In fact, Zayn's absence made me appreciate the other boys.

As expected, Harry and Niall were the stars of the night. Whenever the camera panned at them or when they belched out solos, ovaries exploded. Heck, even straight male fans were pointing and singing along to them.

I was also super impressed by these two, especially when Niall did a birit part. Yeah, he did a Zayn part. I just can't remember which song. The Irish Princess was so cool and awesome that I finally understood why they went gaga over him. That angelic blonde look and perkiness was definitely worth the swoon.

And of course, Harry was the typical pop star. I got to hand it to him, he's a good performer. He knows what works up the audience and he's definitely fun to watch. Especially when he had his man bun. He'll always be my best second favorite of all time.

#ManBun

Apart from the songs, I had tons of favorite moments from the show:

1) Liam reading out fan signs. Too funny. There was one fan who asked him to say NAKAKAPAGPABAGABAG (a difficult Filipino word) and the results were so funny. There were long-lost daughter claims, bolera moments and adoption claims as well.

There was also a selfie request. Here's what Liam and Niall did:

SO CUTE. I CAN'T EVEN.

2) Liam, Niall, Louis and the rest of McDonald's lovers VS. Harry.

Poor Harry. I don't remember how the argument exactly started. Apparently, someone wanted to toss a burger on stage and Liam began discussing how McDonald's was one of the best foods in the world. He went on to elaborate the importance of fast foods.

Harry, on the other hand, began to object and said, "We should all eat our vegetables!" Unfortunately, he realized too late he was battling a losing fight. I mean, come on, vegetables against chicken nuggets?

Liam got the crowd chanting "CHICKEN NUGGETS!" Poor Harry attempted to raise a pitiful chant of "HEALTHY EATING!" Lucky for him, we love him. Despite our agreement with Liam,we sided with him for the sake of siding with him.

Eventually, someone did toss Louis a burger.With his recent breakup with Eleanor, he deserves it.

3) THE BIRTHDAY CHAIR. I find it sweet that the boys appreciate their staff and crew. For Day 2, they sang for this man named Toby who sat on Harry (a.k.a the birthday chair). It was too sweet, I tell ya.

4) Liam sang I Will Survive. He was introducing the band, which eventually lead to him singing I Will Survive. The man's got vocal skills.

5) Basically every time they teased us by calling out (in a flirty voice): MANILAAAAA. I bet every girl wanted to be named Manila that night.

Hello Harry. I think I love you better now.

The songs were mostly from Four and Midnight Memories. But of course, the boys sang their eternal hits: One Thing, What Makes You Beautiful, Kiss You and Best Song Ever. Like I said, they sounded so good LIVE. Goes to show that they really gots them talents.

They ended with Best Song Ever and indeed, it was the best song ever. Add fireworks and spectacular goodbyes, you get yourself tons of screaming fans. Total pandemonium. While they were saying their goodbyes, it occurred to me that I was part of an unbelievable experience. Far as they were, I shared the same area with them.

People will disagree when I say they're one of the best bands in the world. They are. I'm not just saying this cause I love Zayn's voice--if you gave their album a chance, you'd see how much they've leveled up from teeny bopper hits to serious ballads.

Well Hello, Nialler.

The concert confirmed to me that I wasn't a fan just because of Zayn. They sounded so good, I wished they wouldn't stop singing. It's amazing to see how much they've changed--their musical acts, I mean. Sometimes, I wish they were still the same lads from Kiss You.

But people change. Plus Four's an amazing album.

Greyscale lads

The concert was worth the wait. Though it was obvious something was missing (ugh Zayn, Y U DO DIS TO MEH), they pulled it off and it was an amazing experience. So amazing that I'm so determined to get decent seats next time.

I still thank God for the opportunity. Not everyone got to hear them live--I did. It was cool. The heat, rain, and back pains were worth it. I noticed some patterns and technical stuff with the concert, but I'll discuss it some other time.

I'm hoping for concert part 2! They promised they'd come back soon. Hopefully, they would and when they do, baby boy Zayn is already okay and ready to hit them high notes :) Rumors of break up are circulating, but I believe they'll get their act together soon.

For now, I'm left with 1D Hangover. I'm so happy and very blessed to have experienced the BEST NIGHT EVER.

When You Just Don't Know What to Feel

Sometimes, you just don't know what to feel.

Right now, I'm pretty sure that I'm unsure of what I feel.

Ever felt like you're just floating in some blank space (baby, and I'll write your name?), some unfortunate abyss, somewhere that seems like nowhere that you just don't know where you're going that sometimes you don't make any sense?

Like that paragraph I just wrote?

These recent days, I feel like I'm encased inside a bubble, mindlessly floating and bouncing away. Everyone seems like they've got a sure hold of what's currently happening. Me? I'm just staring into space--waiting for someone to pop that bubble.

God, everything seems so surreal right now. Here I am, this filthy piece of stained cloth and there You are, this perfect Being that I can never please without hurting, double the price. It pains me, realizing how imperfect I am, how I deserve to be thrown into a mixture of problems.

Right now, I wish everything would just stop. Where's a pause button when you need one? Where?

My heart's too tired to think. Yes, a heart thinks but it's easily deceived. I'm this little hobbit trapped in a big Middle Earth, clueless as to where I should step next.

I'm not making sense right now.

Oh God, do not be fed up with my stupidity or inferiority. Sometimes, I wish I could just be but dust and go into Your presence. Though I do not deserve it, I beg You let me in. On bended knees, I beg. I pray. I hope.

I'm lost. Undeserving. Filthy piece of stained cloth.

I am nothing.

In Your presence, I lose hope. I cannot achieve the perfection I wish. You are this Higher Entity and I am this puny ant struggling to reach the top of an anthill. You are this Perfect Enigma and I am but a speck of dirt.

I still don't know what I feel.

When you're unsure of what you feel, a number of emotions whirl endlessly. What do I feel? What am I? Where am I going? What's happening?

I have no right to blurt out. Who am I? Just a speck of dirt.

Oh God. How can this thing that's killing me make me feel so alive?

Oh Sovereign God of a depraved sinner. What can I do? What should I feel? Why am I thrown into this pit of mess?

This is what happens when you don't know what to feel.

You just don't.

But you will someday. It won't be tomorrow or the next day, but rest assured, you will.

I know I will.

An Open Letter to the Crew

To the best dgroup/Crew/set of girls in the entire world,

Belated happy anniversary to us! :D YEHEY!

OYEAAAAAH!

I still can't believe we've reached 3 years together. It feels just like yesterday that I first met some of you. Super nene days, if you know what I mean.

When I first became a discipler, it wasn't a bed of roses. I thought I would always have a full set of girls attending my dgroup. But there were times when I found myself face to face with just one disciple, wondering what unknown force ate the other girls.

During ONE Summer Camp, I gained more girls with different interesting (and very odd) personalities. One disciple was non-existent, kept vanishing from our sights. Another disciple bought UNO cards and her badminton racket, disappointed when no one wanted to play UNO.

And of course, let's not forget that fateful game of human amoeba. Also, 1,2,3, HOPIA! 1,2,3 MANI! 1,2,3 BALOOOOT!

So nene days

Afterwards, I gained more disciples, went to more camps and basically build relationships with a bunch of interesting bebe girls.

We've shared many memories with each other for the past 3 years. Apart from the drama and tears, we've had our fights and our laughs; surprise birthday parties na nakaka-init ng ulo (ha-ha!Sorry talaga), dalaga na us moments during debuts, late night iyakan sesh and super korni moments.

Example:

Me: ...masarap yung BREAD
Random disciple 1: Bread? Di pa yun yung asawa ni Angelina Jolie?Si BREAD Pitt?
Random disciple 2: Hindi! Yun yung tawagan ng mga fratman. Uy BREADer, kamusta na?!
Random disciple 3: Di ba parang tanong sa aso yun? Ano yung BREAD ng aso mo?
Me: . . . . .

Hmmkaay.

Anyways...

I thank God for giving me this undeserved privilege of serving you girls. Becoming a dgroup leader encouraged me to take life with Christ up a notch, to live beyond reproach and to make sure I minister His Word to you. Admittedly, there were times that I wanted to give up, especially when I think I'm no good for some of you. But during such times, I remind myself that I serve you because I serve God and His calling to disciple.

I'll be very honest in this part: handling you guys is a bittersweet experience. Di ko na matimbang kung gaano kabigat yung galon galon ng luha na naiyak ko dahil sa inyo. Don't worry, most of them were happy tears but some were just sad.

Indeed, investing emotions and time in relationships can suck the life out of you but it can also infuse lessons. So far, I'm loving what God is teaching me through you guys.

I wasn't able to tell you my favorite experience with each one of you. I'll dedicate this part now. Here it goes:

Maloi - kung merong Captain America: the First Avenger, merong Maloi: the First Disciple. I'll never forget the first time we met, how you immediately gave me your trust. When you texted me, telling me how thankful you are and how excited you are to share your walk with Christ with me, I was near tears. And now, you're leading, an example to your girls. So proud of you, nak. So proud.
Dana - my constant Won by One disciple; I will never forget that time you told me about your struggle. Pareho pa tayo! It was that time that God confirmed that I made the right decision of telling you guys, that I was not alone in the battle against pornography. Ever since, I've enjoyed watching you grow. Now, grabe ka na bumanat, mas kumorni ka pa. Hahaha! :D Labyu.
Pat Lerman - "Ate Ash, uhm kasi...uhm...ate...kasi ganito yon. Ah... Ate Ash huhu...ATE ASH!" Cue in a storm plus confession, you have ultimate Pat de Leon-Lerman moment. I've got tons of fave moments with you. Isa na din yung nag overnight ka. Haha :D You may be moody, but I love you for it.
Jaymee - our first one on one; that time you shared about your struggle with love life and I was like: Oh no, this girl's ALL ABOUT LOVE LIFE. Haha! You transferring to my group has been a blessing. Marami ka na ring pinausong tag lines. Like IPISSSSSS! 
Janelle - every time you hug me is my favorite moment. It's no secret you're so cuddly and cute. One look at you is enough to wipe my stress away. Thank you for being so clingy, baby! :D
Shia - that first time you actually opened up to me and I knew how to respond right; there's still so much to improve on our accountability and you know that :) you were so hostile and I didn't know how to handle you.I'm still learning but I appreciate you trying. :))
Ana - every time you make effort to see me wherever I am, LB or Makati, means so much to me. It may seem ordinary to you but to me, I appreciate the effort. Sorry kung di mo napanood yung That Thing Called Tadhana. Maybe it wasn't tadhana at all, Cute. :D
Patrice - there's just something about you and UNO cards. Haha! You were so young the first time we met. Cute mo sobra! "Ate Ashley, can I play badminton now?" kahit na mag-isa ka lang maglalaro! Haha! You're so dalaga na :(((
Andrea - when you tried to tell stories when you were so new. You were such a baby! You've outgrown your childish stutter already. Remember those times you would always tell us about your crush? Which crush? Dunno. Super dami eh!
Ritch - this is super recent: that time I was telling you about your napulot lang status and how amazing God has worked through you. When you react, it's so cute. All them braces and Ritch-like smile. I'm really glad na napulot kita. It's made such a big difference and you've been such a good example of bringing others to Christ no matter what it takes.
Hazel - you're relatively new to the Crew but I already have one. Clue: #ihavealife. Haha! I'm excited to create more memories with you, Hazel Grace. Hihi :D You're more than who you think you are, especially in the eyes of God
Monique - I just realized that we've never had a solid one on one yet :( ARGH. Soon! I love it whenever we talk about you, pati yung pagbilang natin ng pimples mo. Haha! Of course, who can ever forget that time #MONINAIAH was born. I take credit, haha!
Moji - yung umiyak ka sa prayer room. HAHAHAHA! Joke. But I think that's it. Or maybe that time you wore a dress for Maloi's birthday. That time we talked about artistic nerd stuff? I miss you! Please come back soon!

There are still disciples I have not yet seen for a loooong time. I'll share my fave moment with you, once we see each other again! :D

As we approach another year, I just want you to remember little things:

1) God should always be the number 1 priority in your life. Not me, not love life, not money- God. Remember, we're depraved sinners who don't even deserve a second chance but He chose to save those who surrender to Him, only by His grace.

He deserves all that you've got.

2) Live humbly, considering other's greater than you. God does not want us to carry pride in our hearts. Be the first to give, the first one to say sorry. We are servants, slaves of Christ.

3) Accountability is important. You can't grow well if you're not accountable with fellow Christians. I'm always here for you, but you can also approach your dgroupmates if you're kinda hesitant. I'm bound to know anyway...HAHAHAHA. Joke.

4) I may be your discipler now but we don't know what will happen next. Just keep your eyes on Jesus. I always aim for your spiritual growth. Let's all be prepared for whatever God has planned for us, all right? I'll still be here while I still can.

5) Being WEIRD is okay. When we say weird, we mean weird because we do not conform--we TRANSFORM. How? By God's grace. We try our best not to blend in with the world. We strive to be different for His greater glory.

And lastly.

6) Labyu mga beh.

Happy 3rd Anniv to this Crew. Am so blessed to see how God has worked in our once-little group.

Cheers!!

#BESTCREWEVER

The 20-year old Directioner

When you're 20 and people learn that you're a fan of One Direction, there's too much reaction:

"Did you run out of bands to choose?"

"Why not the Wanted? They seem more like adult music."

"Aren't you a bit old to be crushing on teenage heartthrobs?"

SRSLY, STAHP.

First of all, the lads are not just teenage heartthrobs. In fact, they're NOT teenagers anymore. They share the same age span with me, with my boy Zayn turning 22 last January 12 and the younger three being twenty just like me. If they weren't big hot shots and normal 20+ year old males, we'd be an eligible pair (keep the dream alive, Ashley!). And besides, people who have crushes on them are not limited to teenagers. Anyone can like them.

(P.S. I'm still sort of a teenager since the adolescent age spans from 12-21 so...)

Secondly, NO I did not run out of bands to choose. The first time I heard the opening beats of What Makes You Beautiful and One Thing, I was immediately hooked. Watching the music video didn't help either because I was introduced to the beautiful being that is Zayn Malik (belated happy birthday to the king!). 

And finally, since when did music have to be classified under childish or adult? I think we all have the right to choose the type of music we're most attuned to. Some people my age enjoy music by Beethoven or Mozart. Do we ask them: "Why them? Aren't those kind of super old school?" Let people live with the music they love. And for the record, if One Direction is childish music, then yes, I appreciate childish music.

Anyways...

I wouldn't consider myself a SUPER FAN of the group. I'm not the type that buys everything or anything attached to them. Also, I don't take not of every detail of their lives. Yeah, I know the basics especially when it comes to Zayn (Birthday: January 12, 1993, Fears: hates rollercoasters) but I don't know when he first discovered his talent, why he chose Perrie Edwards or the nitty gritty facts. I don't do second Twitter accounts that exist for the purpose of fangirling. 

However, I can't say that I'm the stagnant, no emotions fan. Come to think of it, I wouldn't consider that a fan because honestly, how can you not have emotions with One Direction?

When you're 20 and you love 1D, you sort of turn into an undercover/closeted fan. Even before I turned 20, I've been pretty much the closeted fan, choosing not to disclose much of my fangirling in any of my social media accounts (I do so sparingly). When I hear their songs and I'm in a public place, I bite my lip and just enjoy the wild party inside my chest. 

1D's mah jaaaaam

I only unleash my Directioner side if:

1) I'm in the presence of fellow Directioners or

2) the people around me are aware of my other self and are willing to tolerate my fangirling (meaning, they love me for who I am)

The On The Road Again 2015 tour is merely 2 months away and I'm already thinking of the scenarios I'll encounter (yes, I'm one watching). After watching their movie This Is Us, I can imagine what would probably go on at the Mall of Asia Concert Grounds on March 21 and 22.

The thing about being a Directioner is also sharing the fandom with millions of dedicated teenagers. Yes, I've been there, I was a giggly tween. I have loved them since I was eighteen (that song tho, that song). But as you grow older, you sort of develop this irrational irritation at people younger than you, especially when they squeal mindlessly or giggle or do anything remotely annoying in your opinion (No offense younger people, I still love you).

This afternoon, I visited the 1D World at SM Megamall to reward myself for pulling off my first job interview. On my way, I encountered groups of girls babbling endlessly, giggling and pinching each other. Here I was trying to keep my cool as I headed to my anticipated destination and there they were, loudly gushing about Harry's dimple and possibly buying all five standees the shop offers (BTW, each standee cost Php 3,000. Can you even?!).

Being the 20-year old Directioner meant that I had to keep all the fangirling subdued. While I was walking, I tried very hard not to show my excitement, very much unlike these girls. Man, the downs of growing a year older!

Once I was at the store, things got even crazier. There was plenty of photo opportunities, enough to satisfy a 1D fan's desire. Of course, being the subdued closeted fan, I had my photo op when there were less teenagers and when I figured no one was looking.

How I envy those fans who're not afraid to unleash their inner Directioner.

Me and the lads 

While browsing the store for merchandise that would miraculously fit my budget (everything in the shop is gold, GOLD I TELLYA!), these groups of teenagers were huddled around the small counter pointing at the 3K worth of standees. Not only were they huddled, they were SQUEALING. Yes, they were screaming at cardboard cut-offs.

With this scenario in mind, I thought: they're squealing at a store, what more at the concert?!

Better get my earplugs.

Every teenage fan girl: ERMEGEEEEESSSSHH

When you're a 20-year old Directioner, you can't squeal all of a sudden. Remember, people watch you. Even in the presence of friends, I try my very best to calm down when I can feel the fangirling attempting to begin because when I'm on a roll, I'm on a roll.

It brings so many questions on how I'd respond during the concert. I've watched countless reactions from the fans. It's a messy map of too much giggling, squealing, shouting and oh yes, CRYING. Endless, senseless, unbelievable CRYING.

Yes, tears will be shed when the One Direction lads come.

Initially, like any other 20-year old, I cringed. Why in the world would someone cry at a concert? Yes, the thrill and excitement would be enough to move me to mini screaming but crying? I laughed at the possibility of myself shedding tears when I finally see them on that fateful Sunday. 

But I dare not claim this fully. 

We don't know how everything will turn out when I finally see them. I will certainly scream but will I stoop down to the level of obsessed fans that cry at the sight of these five Brits? Will I remain heartless and cold or will I also break down?

We don't know. 

I hope not. Being a 20-year old Directioner calls for maturity, showing these young girls that yes, you do love them but they aren't worth your tears---

I think.

Do I cry or not? Cry or not?!

A 20-year old Directioner must be calm at most times, choosing only to disclose her inner fangirling at appropriate venues. Should she have difficulty in doing so, she should at least try to keep it moderate. If she fails, well, she has to keep in mind that she's 20 years old, going on 21 and adult fans must be subdued.

But you know what?

Despite my age, I will still support this band with all my heart (yet not to the limits of idolatry). Yes, there will be times when I'll have to watch myself and be reminded of the fact that I can't always be a silly, giggling teenage girl. I can't always be that girl but I didn't say NEVER. 

Sometimes, you just gotta unleash the fan girl in you. Let it all out in moderation but don't suppress. There's nothing wrong with showing appreciation. When you want the world to marvel at Harry's dimple, just leave a simple comment and let it be. Don't harass Harry with a million tweets about his dimple. Or when you feel like basking in the glory of Niall's wonderful golden locks, just bask.

It feels good to have inspirations, especially when you're thrown into work. Amidst the turmoil and busyness life has to offer for 20-year old (or older) fans like I, it's healthy to have something to look at when you need a break or a smile. Thank heavens for five cute Brits and their voices.

I am a 20-year old Directioner and I'm smashing it.

The Psalms: A Compilation of Praises

This is a compilation of verses in the Psalms that struck me. There's more of them but these are lines from my favorite Psalms. Joined together, they take the form of a letter or a song worthy of Him. I got the idea from my dad and indeed, it was quite refreshing! :D

Here you go:

Serve the Lord with reverent fear, and rejoice with trembling.

Oh Lord, I have so many enemies; so many are against me.

But You, O Lord, are a shield around me;

You are my glory, the One who holds my head high.

I lay down and slept, yet I woke up in safety,

for the Lord was watching over me.

I am not afraid of ten thousand enemies who surround me on every side.

You can be sure of this: The Lord set apart the godly for Himself.

The Lord will answer when I call to Him. 

Because of Your unfailing love, I can enter Your house;

I will worship at Your temple with deepest awe. 

Lead me in the right path, O Lord, or my enemies will conquer me.

I will praise You Lord, with all my heart;

I will tell of all the marvelous things You have done.

I will be filled with joy because of You.

Those who know Your name trust in You, for You, O Lord,

do not abandon those who search for You.

I love You, Lord; You are my strength.

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my Savior;

my God is my rock Whom I find protection.

He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. 

The Lord is my Shepherd, I have all that I need.

He lets me rest in green meadows; He leads me beside peaceful streams.

He renews my strength.

Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid

for You are close beside me.

Show me the right path, O Lord;

point out the road for me to follow.

Lead me by your truth and teach me,

for You are the God who saves me.

All day long, I put my hope in You.

I will praise the Lord at all times. I will constantly speak His praises..

I will boast only in the Lord; let all who are helpless take heart.

Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit everything you do to the Lord.

Trust Him and He will help you.

He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause

will shine like the noonday sun.

The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives.

Though they stumble, they will never fall

for the Lord holds them by the hand. 

Your unfailing love is better than life itself; how I praise You!

My health may fail and my spirit may grow weak,

but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever.

O Lord, You have examined my heart and know everything about me. 

You go before me and follow me.

You place Your hand of blessing upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand.

Thank You for making me so wonderfully complex!

Your workmanship is marvelous- how well I know it.

Praise Him with the tambourine and dancing;

praise Him with strings and flutes!

Praise Him with a clash of cymbals

Let everything that breathes sing praises to the Lord!

Praise the Lord!