No, I'm not talking about that monthly visitor.
Let's just say I'm being surrounded by thoughts. And these particular thoughts aren't the harmless ones that usually involve and endless parades of rainbows and unicorns nor are they harmful ones that creates shivers in my spine.
I'm just being a girl.
GIRL MODE = FEELS MODE.
In the University, I learned a new relationship status. It's the one most of us claim to be: HALAMAN.
To be a HALAMAN means to be emotionless as a plant. To not admire someone. To not care about love, kilig and the likes.
These past months, I've managed to follow the way of the Halaman.
No, I'm not being pagan. I'm merely humoring myself.
I know my heart. And as the prophet Jeremiah said in his book: "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick. Who can understand it?"
Who can? I certainly don't.
Right now, I'm in the middle of a mumbo-jumbo of feels.
It's hard when you like a guy for so long that you start to imagine the possible future you can have with him. And you don't feel bad imagining because you know that it can happen. It's not promised, but it can.
It's a lot harder to not like that guy anymore, to swear that you won't look at him as more than a friend and to train yourself to realize that he might never like you in the future so it's best to start moving on now.
It's the hardest when you realize just now that all this time, you've been lying to yourself.
GAH.
Love is definitely not a priority as of now, but I will admit, it has crossed my mind. Frequently now that I'm nearing graduation, therefore, one step away from the single life. I'm not saying it's a top priority. I do have other things in mind when I graduate (like own a pony or personally hug Josh Hutcherson) and God has shown me that there's more to life than men.
But I won't hide the fact that considering the future in that aspect of my life has been circling my head.
All the feels are welling up inside me, like a volcano ready to burst.
The paranoia has got to stop.
Liking someone definitely has its consequences. I'm feeling some of them right now because I wasn't so careful in guarding my emotions, my thoughts. I have to constantly remind myself: "He is not yours." I have to keep on thumping my head with God, His Word and reality.
How I wish feeling can be turned off with a button.
I firmly believe that God knows what He's doing in my life. He said so in Jeremiah 29:11. Which is why I shouldn't fret. I shouldn't let the feelings overcome. If I do, I know I'm capable of thinking about too many terrible things that will just shame me and make me less of the Christian I'm aiming to be. I can do things I know I shouldn't be doing.
For now, I'm down on my knees. Not literally, but you get what I'm trying to say.
I'm down on my knees, praying fervently to God:
"Dear God, if these feelings ain't from You and is not glorifying You in any other way, please...please just take them away."
And I mean them.
Especially today.
FEELS.
<3 A
